Once again, I suck at blogging. Pretty much the only time I remember to do it is when something is bothering me or I'm elated. At the moment, though, I'm pretty numb. And empty.
Let me just preface this by saying, there is no happy ending. And there never will be. I look at my friends and how happy they are and how easy it is for them to be in relationships. For me, it's not like that. It's hard for me to even just be happy. Over the last couple of months however, being happy has been nearly impossible.
My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years. The first year and a half was amazing. He was simply the greatest guy ever and we were very much in love. During this time, though, he moves away. Then, last October, he started doubting how he felt. So we broke up for a time. Then, after he realized he was still in love with me, we got back together and our relationship was back on track.
This is when the wedding planning began. And it was good. We were happy. Then I visited him. And he apparently decided then that I was too emotional for him to be with. So we broke up again. But still talked every day and emailed and texted and didn't date other people. Not a good breakup because I still had hopes. And he knew that.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving 2011. He and I are talking and he tells me he's still in love with me and wants to be with me. Awesome, right? So things are good. He mentions he needs help with some schoolwork (he's in school to be a teacher) so I help him out. I do 2 powerpoint presentations for him. He tells me I'm a saint and he's so in love with me for helping him and I'm just awesome. We start discussing this upcoming summer and the visiting arrangements. We decide I'll fly out to visit him for a few weeks, then we'll drive back together and he'll stay with me for a week or so. On this past Sunday, I give him his final powerpoint. He's over the moon with how awesome it is and how he knows he'll get a good grade on it and thank you so much for helping and I love you so much.
We talk again about 5 hours later. And his voice is completely different. I mention something about our relationship. He asks if that's what we're in. I reply that I thought so. He then proceeds to tell me that he's not in love with me. And I'm taken aback. Our previous conversations said something completely different. So either he's lying now or he's been lying to me before to get something... His powerpoints.
I call him out on it and he doesn't deny it. He said he still wants to be friends and I tell him no. It's not going to happen. I hang up. The next day he emails me saying we should calm down to talk rationally. I say there's nothing to talk about I'm moving on and not going to talk to him anymore because it hurts too much.
When he calls me that night, I don't answer. He keeps calling. Finally, I answer to tell him we're not going to be friends and we're not going to talk. It's over.
Obviously, I'm upset. Even though I'm the one who decided to move on and let him go, I'm upset. So I decide to go last night to a friend's house. W and I talk about things and he's very nice. He lets me cry and scream and hugs me and tells me things will be okay. And it's nice. He then offers me more than just hugs. And I take it. I don't know why. I'm lying on his roommate's bed with no sheets, in a purple and white room with the lights off having sex. And all I'm thinking about is the Twilight: Breaking Dawn movie I saw on Saturday. I feel nothing. I'm numb. When it's over, I get up, put on my jeans and my bra. I stuff one of my shirts into my purse and the other is button sluttily low. I grab my stuff and slink out the back door. I get in my car and all I can think is how it feels as if I cheated on my ex. I know I didn't. I know in my head we're not together, so what I did was perfectly justified. But I can't convince my heart.
I get home and put on my pjs. I'm empty and numb. I can't cry. I decide this will be a good time to pack up all the stuff he's given me. I turn on my favorite TV show, Gilmore Girls. I take a box and start with the pictures of us. Then the stuff I bought in Vegas with him. And the jewelry he gave me. Then he calls. And calls.
I call him back, I don't know why. He starts talking to me like it's a normal day and he didn't break my heart. I tell him I'm over it and I'm tired of everything. I tell him I am not talking to him anymore. He finally gets it, because he gets mad and says, "Okay, fine. I'm done." I say, "No. I'm done." And it's over.
I lay down on the bed and drift to sleep to the Gilmore Girls dvd (Season 4, a good season.) I wake up and turn the TV off. I turn off the lamp and go back to sleep. But sleep doesn't last long. It's a fitful night of sleep. I toss and turn, and turn and toss. I think of W and having sex. I think of my ex and how I wish he cared. I think of the daunting task of moving on. I think of having to tell people that we're no longer together. I think of how his Christmas gift is still being shipped to me so I could send it to him. I'm alone. I'm a loser. I'm a slut. I'm alone. And God, at this moment, I deserve it.
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