iwantababy

Yes, yes, I do. I want a baby. I want one now. The thing that sucks is my ex and I were actively trying to have a baby. We had been trying since January to get pregnant. If not for the fact that I was on really strong meds and sick (2 minor surgeries, 2 ER visits) I believe I'd be knocked up now. We decided together that we wanted a child. So we did the whole thing. The whole ovulation-and-temperatures-and-position-legs on the wall-thing. I monitored everything. And, this last time, my period was 11 days late. Unfortunately, when I took the pregnancy test (I swear I took about 6 of them in 2 months) it was negative. I got my period 2 days later.
What else sucks is that we had picked out baby names. And now I can't use them. We had 4 names picked. 2 boys, 2 girls. We both wanted a girl. Harper Elizabeth. Or a boy, Samuel James. Lily Nicole. Joseph Henry. Those were our names. But now....
I guess it's a good thing that I'm not pregnant. We're not together.

He texted me earlier. I had written on facebook last night "'Moving on in simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.' Ending relationships is hard, especially when you still love the other person. I wish you nothing but the best with everything in your life." He commented that he still loves me, too, and there's someone better for me out there. Okay, whatever.
Today was a snow day, but I went into work, anyway. It was nice. With my boss out of town (her grandfather passed away) I'm in charge. So I had some stuff to do. I loved being at work by myself. I got to blast my music (all the songs from my "fuck you" playlist) and sing along loudly. It was fun.
There's this park in my town and I love it. There's a waterfall and a path going down to it. It's a little bit of a hike, but so pretty. It's worth it. I love to go and hike to the waterfall. There are rocks next to it and I sit there and think. Unfortunately, with all the rain we've had lately, the path is flooded. So I sat on a bench next to the lake/waterfall instead. Still nice.
W texted me this evening. Just to say he was sorry and that he hoped we could still be friends. Um....? He said he doesn't know what he wants and is confused and is trying not to listen to his heart. Well, fine then. Whatever. I told him that he really hurt me and I needed time to decide if I could be his friend. I then texted his sister (I truly love her like she is my own sister) to get her address to mail his stuff to him. I don't want to see him and I don't want to talk to him really. He can always swing by his parents' house and get his stuff.
I'm all over the place tonight. I'm going to miss his family. His mom told me that I was a welcome addition to their family. I adore his sister, who's 17. His cousin, L, is stupid and funny. And his parents are amazing. I loved spending time with them. I'm really going to miss them. And him. And his friend, J. J is the sweetest woman. That's what sucks about relationships. All the people you lose.
What's funny is we were actually planning our wedding. I mean, we were already trying to have a baby. Why not plan a wedding, too? My bestie was obviously going to be my maid (matron) of honor. His sister was going to be my bridesmaid. His friend, K, was going to be his best man. Our wedding colors were purple and blue. We were going to get married in his hometown next to the river. We were going to invite 75-100 people.
We were looking for an apartment. We were going to move in together. It wasn't a big deal. We spent all our time together anyway. Things were falling into place. We were happy.
Then, all of a sudden, he wasn't. He started spending more time with his stupid, loser friends and more time partying. I was "nagging" him and I was "needy." He went out of his way to say things to hurt me. I went out of my way to point out he was being an asshole (which he freely admitted). He hurt me a lot, with things he said. So, yesterday, I got tired of it. I got tired of him being an asshole and being mean. I got tired of crying and being hurt. So I told him if I didn't make him happy anymore, fine. Just don't be with me. And, just like that, our relationship was over.
How are we supposed to be friends after this? After our life together was planned out? How am I supposed to talk to him casually when he was there for me through my dad's cancer coming back and my surgeries (big surgery in 23 days!) and my grandmother dying? How am I supposed to look at him when all I can see is us together? I don't know if I can do it.