It's been a long time since I've written. Mostly just because I don't want to write about what's been going on. But I guess it's time...
In January of this year, my dad was rediagnosed with Mantle Cell Lymphoma. He'd had a stem cell transplant the year before, but it didn't work. The cancer was back, stage IV. At the end of April, he was struggling very much. He'd been in and out of the hospital since his rediagnosis and had found out the cancer was spreading. His primary oncologist said there was no use in continuing treatments for the cancer. All they could do was treat the symptoms.
On April 28, 2012, his secondary oncologist sat down with my mom and I and said that he only had a few days to a couple of weeks left... At the most 2 weeks. We were devastated. We started spending even more time at the hospital with him. On the 2nd of May my mother, father, and I all met with the funeral director (at the funeral home my dad chose) for my dad to plan his own funeral. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to sit through.
That Friday, May 4th, my father was released from the hospital to come home with hospice care. The next day, my nephew's 9th birthday, my friend Toviah, who's a photographer, came to my parent's house to take pictures for us. That would be my father's last good day.
The next couple of days, my dad was in pretty good spirits. His sisters came to visit, as did his friends from work. I was still going to work, telling my mother to call me if anything happened. On Tuesday, the hospice nurse came for the first visit. He decided my dad should put his oxygen on. It never came back off.
On Wednesday, before I got home from work, my fiance and my mom were there with my father. My dad tried to get up to go use the bathroom. He fell out of bed. Thank God my fiance was there and my dad's friend Randy had just arrived. The two of them put him back to bed. The next day, Thursday, he tried to get up again. He fell out of bed once more. My mom, sister, and I could not get him up. So the rescue squad was called and they picked him up and put him back in bed. He wouldn't get up again.
When I got home from work that evening, I went back to visit my dad. He wanted water, but couldn't drink with a straw because his mouth was so dry. After spooning a few mouthfuls of water into his mouth, he was able to use the straw. The next morning, I woke up and went back to see him. (I was staying at my parent's house so I would be close in case something happened.) He was thirsty. So I spooned a couple of drops of water into his mouth and then put the straw in. He couldn't use it. He had deteriorated to the point where he could no longer use a straw. I spooned him more water then left him alone to sleep.
I immediately called my boss and told her I wouldn't be in that day. It was 9:15 AM on Friday, May 11, 2012. I decided that I would quickly go take care of a pressing errand and spend the rest of the day with my family. So I left the house at 9:30ish. I had gotten about 5 minutes away when my sister called, telling me to come back immediately. I turned around as quickly as I could and went back. I arrived there at 9:43.
My mom was sitting next to my dad on their bed. My sister was on his other side. I sat by his feet. My mom was hugging him, my sister holding one hand. I grabbed the other. I felt like ice. I told my dad I was there. He said, "Plug me in! Plug me in!" referring to his oxygen. It was plugged in. My mom got up and turned it as high as it would go. He could feel it then.
We knew the end was close. We knew it was coming. And it was very peaceful for him, surrounded by his family. We told him we loved him. Then, after telling my mother he loved her, he was gone. It was 9:50.
My mother and I broke down in tears, knowing he was gone. We spent a few minutes sitting with him, crying. Then we knew the phone calls had to be made.
I'll write about the funeral and my engagement later, as well as all the details of my upcoming wedding. But for now, I want to talk about my dad.
He was literally the greatest person I've ever known. I'm not just saying that because he's gone. My dad was my hero. He was strong and tough and yet sensitive and friendly. He would help anyone, anytime, anywhere. He loved to laugh and tell jokes. He protected us and took care of us. And he faced his cancer with unwavering faith. He fought as hard as he could against the cancer ravaging his body. According to his doctors, most people with the type of cancer he had only lived 18 months after their first diagnosis. He lived almost 3 years because he refused to give in to it. He died still fighting to live.
I loved my dad very much. I will never forget him. Every day is hard to get through. Planning a wedding knowing my father will not be there to walk me down the aisle... That he won't be there for the father/daughter dance... It's hard. In fact, a lot of the wedding has been planned around his absence. I'm not a whole person without him. I cry pretty much daily because I miss him so much.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Text messages.
And now some text messages from my ex to me. Sent yesterday/today. No wonder I'm confused by this guy. (I'm gonna write it regular, cause I can't stand text speak.)
W- My family cares about you, and they don't wanna see you hurt yourself.
M- I've spent the entire day in bed. I'm not motivated to do anything other than cry. Thanks.
W- Hun, you gotta pick yourself up.
M- It's hard for me to pick myself up. It's easier for you. You wanted this. Seriously, why isn't this harder for you? Have you moved on that quickly?
W0 No, I haven't moved on that quicky. I'm just not letting myself feel. It wasn't that I was unhappy, I just couldn't bring myself to love you like you love me. And it was unfair to you.
M- Why couldn't you love me like I love you? You told me you loved me and want to be with me! Even a couple of days ago you told me that.
W- I didn't say I didn't love you. I couldn't love you like you love me. And that's my personal issue.
Later...
W- I care for you.
M- Why?
W- Cause I do.
M- I'm gonna be honest. I'm looking at moving away from here. Too many bad memories now. Are you happy now?
W- Not really.
M- Why?
W- Because. I want to be friends.
M- Just friends?
W- Hun, I don't know the future.
M- Ok. Do you see us together in the future?
W- I don't know. I'm not a seer than can see the future.
M- Well, what kind of friends do you want to be?
W- Just friends. Friends with benefits would be too complicated, at least for you?
M- Why?
W- Cause I know you. You can't shut off emotions.
M- You said you didn't like shutting off emotions. You said you liked making love to me.
W- Yeah, but I can do it either way.
Later...
W- I still care for you.
M- Do you still love me?
W- Yes.
M- Will you come visit me after my surgery?
W- Yes. I'll come visit you.
M- Thank you.
W- You're welcome.
I know for part of it, I was asking for it. But what's with all the "I still care about you"s and stuff? I'm confused. I miss him very much. At the same time, why am I still talking to him?
W- My family cares about you, and they don't wanna see you hurt yourself.
M- I've spent the entire day in bed. I'm not motivated to do anything other than cry. Thanks.
W- Hun, you gotta pick yourself up.
M- It's hard for me to pick myself up. It's easier for you. You wanted this. Seriously, why isn't this harder for you? Have you moved on that quickly?
W0 No, I haven't moved on that quicky. I'm just not letting myself feel. It wasn't that I was unhappy, I just couldn't bring myself to love you like you love me. And it was unfair to you.
M- Why couldn't you love me like I love you? You told me you loved me and want to be with me! Even a couple of days ago you told me that.
W- I didn't say I didn't love you. I couldn't love you like you love me. And that's my personal issue.
Later...
W- I care for you.
M- Why?
W- Cause I do.
M- I'm gonna be honest. I'm looking at moving away from here. Too many bad memories now. Are you happy now?
W- Not really.
M- Why?
W- Because. I want to be friends.
M- Just friends?
W- Hun, I don't know the future.
M- Ok. Do you see us together in the future?
W- I don't know. I'm not a seer than can see the future.
M- Well, what kind of friends do you want to be?
W- Just friends. Friends with benefits would be too complicated, at least for you?
M- Why?
W- Cause I know you. You can't shut off emotions.
M- You said you didn't like shutting off emotions. You said you liked making love to me.
W- Yeah, but I can do it either way.
Later...
W- I still care for you.
M- Do you still love me?
W- Yes.
M- Will you come visit me after my surgery?
W- Yes. I'll come visit you.
M- Thank you.
W- You're welcome.
I know for part of it, I was asking for it. But what's with all the "I still care about you"s and stuff? I'm confused. I miss him very much. At the same time, why am I still talking to him?
The Truth.
I was going to write a whole post about how I came to know this information and everything, but I've realized it's not important. Well, it is, but the information is more important than how I came to find out. I'm not making sense. Let me just put it out there.
He cheated.
And not only did he cheat on me with one girl (which would be bad enough) he cheated on me with two girls. At the same time. A month ago.
Well, damn. I feel like a fool. I loved him. I loved him. I still love him. And he fucked some other girls.
The way I found out, by the way, is one of the girls he cheated on me with called me to tell me. I was shocked and upset. Immediately I hung up. Apparently the girl called him, because he called me. And he admitted to it. And also told me that if the girl hadn't called me, I would have never found out.
During all this, he has admitted that he still loves me and wants to be with me. Can you confuse me anymore, dude?
Obviously, I haven't been dealing with this very well. I spent Tuesday (I found out late Monday night/Tuesday morning) and Wednesday being pissed. Very pissed. He told me Wednesday to please not tell his mom because she'd kick his ass. I texted his sister and told her. And his sister told his mom. Technically, I didn't do it. His mom facebook messaged me and said her son was a stupid ass and I would have been a good daughter-in-law. His sister texted me that her dumbass brother is a whore.
Thursday I wasn't mad. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't happy. I was confused and hurt. I guess the shock and pissed-ness had worn off. I'm deep in the depression and hurt now. I'm trying to claw my way out. It's just hard.
People keep telling me how I should feel/what I should do/what I should think. But they don't get it. They're not me. They're not in my shoes. Admittedly, I've done some stupid stuff since I found out that he cheated on me. I have. And I know they're stupid.
I'll be honest, I've got some pretty deep cuts on my leg. I was so hurt by everything that I got a boxcutter (not smart) and cut until I couldn't feel anything. At the same time I was drinking. I've had a lot of alcohol since I found out. And pills.
I've always had trouble sleeping. Always. But it's been worse. I've had maybe 4 hours of sleep since Monday. One night, I guess it was Thursday (I think... Days are all the same) I took 2 ambien, 3 tylenol pm, and a percocet. Still couldn't sleep.
Thursday night was bad. It was. That's when the cutting happened. And the pills. And a bulk of the drinking. I did something stupid (well, something else stupid). I sent my ex a picture of my bloody leg. He texted me back, "what the fuck did you do that for?!?!?!?" Then he called to tell me I was stupid. I didn't disagree.
He told his sister. Who texted me and bitched me out. And I didn't care. I don't care. It's Sunday afternoon at 1:30 and I've spent the entire weekend in my pajamas in bed. I haven't felt like talking to anyone. I haven't felt like doing anything. Except cry. The TV has been on. Can't tell you what was on the TV. His sister texted me. I texted her back. He texted me. Whatever. I updated my facebook status telling people to please leave me alone and let me deal with things my own way.
I'm broken. He wins. He broke me like I think he was trying to do all along. Fine. With everything else going on in my life at the moment, this was the last thing I needed. The last thing. And I'm done trying to be strong. I can't do it anymore.
He cheated.
And not only did he cheat on me with one girl (which would be bad enough) he cheated on me with two girls. At the same time. A month ago.
Well, damn. I feel like a fool. I loved him. I loved him. I still love him. And he fucked some other girls.
The way I found out, by the way, is one of the girls he cheated on me with called me to tell me. I was shocked and upset. Immediately I hung up. Apparently the girl called him, because he called me. And he admitted to it. And also told me that if the girl hadn't called me, I would have never found out.
During all this, he has admitted that he still loves me and wants to be with me. Can you confuse me anymore, dude?
Obviously, I haven't been dealing with this very well. I spent Tuesday (I found out late Monday night/Tuesday morning) and Wednesday being pissed. Very pissed. He told me Wednesday to please not tell his mom because she'd kick his ass. I texted his sister and told her. And his sister told his mom. Technically, I didn't do it. His mom facebook messaged me and said her son was a stupid ass and I would have been a good daughter-in-law. His sister texted me that her dumbass brother is a whore.
Thursday I wasn't mad. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't happy. I was confused and hurt. I guess the shock and pissed-ness had worn off. I'm deep in the depression and hurt now. I'm trying to claw my way out. It's just hard.
People keep telling me how I should feel/what I should do/what I should think. But they don't get it. They're not me. They're not in my shoes. Admittedly, I've done some stupid stuff since I found out that he cheated on me. I have. And I know they're stupid.
I'll be honest, I've got some pretty deep cuts on my leg. I was so hurt by everything that I got a boxcutter (not smart) and cut until I couldn't feel anything. At the same time I was drinking. I've had a lot of alcohol since I found out. And pills.
I've always had trouble sleeping. Always. But it's been worse. I've had maybe 4 hours of sleep since Monday. One night, I guess it was Thursday (I think... Days are all the same) I took 2 ambien, 3 tylenol pm, and a percocet. Still couldn't sleep.
Thursday night was bad. It was. That's when the cutting happened. And the pills. And a bulk of the drinking. I did something stupid (well, something else stupid). I sent my ex a picture of my bloody leg. He texted me back, "what the fuck did you do that for?!?!?!?" Then he called to tell me I was stupid. I didn't disagree.
He told his sister. Who texted me and bitched me out. And I didn't care. I don't care. It's Sunday afternoon at 1:30 and I've spent the entire weekend in my pajamas in bed. I haven't felt like talking to anyone. I haven't felt like doing anything. Except cry. The TV has been on. Can't tell you what was on the TV. His sister texted me. I texted her back. He texted me. Whatever. I updated my facebook status telling people to please leave me alone and let me deal with things my own way.
I'm broken. He wins. He broke me like I think he was trying to do all along. Fine. With everything else going on in my life at the moment, this was the last thing I needed. The last thing. And I'm done trying to be strong. I can't do it anymore.
Monday, March 5, 2012
iwantababy
Yes, yes, I do. I want a baby. I want one now. The thing that sucks is my ex and I were actively trying to have a baby. We had been trying since January to get pregnant. If not for the fact that I was on really strong meds and sick (2 minor surgeries, 2 ER visits) I believe I'd be knocked up now. We decided together that we wanted a child. So we did the whole thing. The whole ovulation-and-temperatures-and-position-legs on the wall-thing. I monitored everything. And, this last time, my period was 11 days late. Unfortunately, when I took the pregnancy test (I swear I took about 6 of them in 2 months) it was negative. I got my period 2 days later.
What else sucks is that we had picked out baby names. And now I can't use them. We had 4 names picked. 2 boys, 2 girls. We both wanted a girl. Harper Elizabeth. Or a boy, Samuel James. Lily Nicole. Joseph Henry. Those were our names. But now....
I guess it's a good thing that I'm not pregnant. We're not together.
He texted me earlier. I had written on facebook last night "'Moving on in simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.' Ending relationships is hard, especially when you still love the other person. I wish you nothing but the best with everything in your life." He commented that he still loves me, too, and there's someone better for me out there. Okay, whatever.
Today was a snow day, but I went into work, anyway. It was nice. With my boss out of town (her grandfather passed away) I'm in charge. So I had some stuff to do. I loved being at work by myself. I got to blast my music (all the songs from my "fuck you" playlist) and sing along loudly. It was fun.
There's this park in my town and I love it. There's a waterfall and a path going down to it. It's a little bit of a hike, but so pretty. It's worth it. I love to go and hike to the waterfall. There are rocks next to it and I sit there and think. Unfortunately, with all the rain we've had lately, the path is flooded. So I sat on a bench next to the lake/waterfall instead. Still nice.
W texted me this evening. Just to say he was sorry and that he hoped we could still be friends. Um....? He said he doesn't know what he wants and is confused and is trying not to listen to his heart. Well, fine then. Whatever. I told him that he really hurt me and I needed time to decide if I could be his friend. I then texted his sister (I truly love her like she is my own sister) to get her address to mail his stuff to him. I don't want to see him and I don't want to talk to him really. He can always swing by his parents' house and get his stuff.
I'm all over the place tonight. I'm going to miss his family. His mom told me that I was a welcome addition to their family. I adore his sister, who's 17. His cousin, L, is stupid and funny. And his parents are amazing. I loved spending time with them. I'm really going to miss them. And him. And his friend, J. J is the sweetest woman. That's what sucks about relationships. All the people you lose.
What's funny is we were actually planning our wedding. I mean, we were already trying to have a baby. Why not plan a wedding, too? My bestie was obviously going to be my maid (matron) of honor. His sister was going to be my bridesmaid. His friend, K, was going to be his best man. Our wedding colors were purple and blue. We were going to get married in his hometown next to the river. We were going to invite 75-100 people.
We were looking for an apartment. We were going to move in together. It wasn't a big deal. We spent all our time together anyway. Things were falling into place. We were happy.
Then, all of a sudden, he wasn't. He started spending more time with his stupid, loser friends and more time partying. I was "nagging" him and I was "needy." He went out of his way to say things to hurt me. I went out of my way to point out he was being an asshole (which he freely admitted). He hurt me a lot, with things he said. So, yesterday, I got tired of it. I got tired of him being an asshole and being mean. I got tired of crying and being hurt. So I told him if I didn't make him happy anymore, fine. Just don't be with me. And, just like that, our relationship was over.
How are we supposed to be friends after this? After our life together was planned out? How am I supposed to talk to him casually when he was there for me through my dad's cancer coming back and my surgeries (big surgery in 23 days!) and my grandmother dying? How am I supposed to look at him when all I can see is us together? I don't know if I can do it.
What else sucks is that we had picked out baby names. And now I can't use them. We had 4 names picked. 2 boys, 2 girls. We both wanted a girl. Harper Elizabeth. Or a boy, Samuel James. Lily Nicole. Joseph Henry. Those were our names. But now....
I guess it's a good thing that I'm not pregnant. We're not together.
He texted me earlier. I had written on facebook last night "'Moving on in simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.' Ending relationships is hard, especially when you still love the other person. I wish you nothing but the best with everything in your life." He commented that he still loves me, too, and there's someone better for me out there. Okay, whatever.
Today was a snow day, but I went into work, anyway. It was nice. With my boss out of town (her grandfather passed away) I'm in charge. So I had some stuff to do. I loved being at work by myself. I got to blast my music (all the songs from my "fuck you" playlist) and sing along loudly. It was fun.
There's this park in my town and I love it. There's a waterfall and a path going down to it. It's a little bit of a hike, but so pretty. It's worth it. I love to go and hike to the waterfall. There are rocks next to it and I sit there and think. Unfortunately, with all the rain we've had lately, the path is flooded. So I sat on a bench next to the lake/waterfall instead. Still nice.
W texted me this evening. Just to say he was sorry and that he hoped we could still be friends. Um....? He said he doesn't know what he wants and is confused and is trying not to listen to his heart. Well, fine then. Whatever. I told him that he really hurt me and I needed time to decide if I could be his friend. I then texted his sister (I truly love her like she is my own sister) to get her address to mail his stuff to him. I don't want to see him and I don't want to talk to him really. He can always swing by his parents' house and get his stuff.
I'm all over the place tonight. I'm going to miss his family. His mom told me that I was a welcome addition to their family. I adore his sister, who's 17. His cousin, L, is stupid and funny. And his parents are amazing. I loved spending time with them. I'm really going to miss them. And him. And his friend, J. J is the sweetest woman. That's what sucks about relationships. All the people you lose.
What's funny is we were actually planning our wedding. I mean, we were already trying to have a baby. Why not plan a wedding, too? My bestie was obviously going to be my maid (matron) of honor. His sister was going to be my bridesmaid. His friend, K, was going to be his best man. Our wedding colors were purple and blue. We were going to get married in his hometown next to the river. We were going to invite 75-100 people.
We were looking for an apartment. We were going to move in together. It wasn't a big deal. We spent all our time together anyway. Things were falling into place. We were happy.
Then, all of a sudden, he wasn't. He started spending more time with his stupid, loser friends and more time partying. I was "nagging" him and I was "needy." He went out of his way to say things to hurt me. I went out of my way to point out he was being an asshole (which he freely admitted). He hurt me a lot, with things he said. So, yesterday, I got tired of it. I got tired of him being an asshole and being mean. I got tired of crying and being hurt. So I told him if I didn't make him happy anymore, fine. Just don't be with me. And, just like that, our relationship was over.
How are we supposed to be friends after this? After our life together was planned out? How am I supposed to talk to him casually when he was there for me through my dad's cancer coming back and my surgeries (big surgery in 23 days!) and my grandmother dying? How am I supposed to look at him when all I can see is us together? I don't know if I can do it.
Ha. After reading over my past few blog posts, I realized I hadn't even written about being in a relationship. And now that relationship is over. I pretty much figured it was over the other day (Wednesday, I believe) when I left my best friend the tearful message, "Hey girl. I'm ok. I just think I hate my boyfriend." After realizing that, how good can a relationship really be?
The thing is, I loved (love) this guy, W. I really do (did). And I thought he loved me. Yes, he was significantly younger (5.5 years) and yes, we had some issues. But we were working through them. Or so I thought. The thing that happened were his stupid friends.
I hated his friends. They were young, like him. But stupid. I called them his stupid, loser friends. They all had kids (not that that's a bad thing) and do drugs and party and drink all the time. They steal things from one store and return them to another, just to make money to drink and party. Stupid.
W had this one friend, let's call her A, and she bothered me so much. She ended up staying at his place for a few weeks. And they slept in the same bed. And he didn't tell me. I guessed after finding out she was staying there. (He didn't tell me that, either.) And he didn't understand why it bothered me that he was sleeping (not having sex, sleeping) with another woman.
During this time, his grandfather was in the hospital. W called me one day and said his grandfather wasn't doing well. I offered to come to the hospital to be with him. His response? "I don't need you to. I've got A." Um, wtf? I didn't understand that. He later told me that if he and I weren't together, he'd try being with her. Thanks for that. I didn't need to know.
On top of her bothering me, I found out she's a truly crappy mother. She has a son who's 4 or 5 (I've been around her numerous times and didn't even know she had a kid!) and she has him at parties with drugs and alcohol. That's awful. I would never do that to my kids.
I don't know how I went from talking about my relationship ending to complaining about his friends. Oh well. I just saw on facebook he changed his relationship status to "single." That sucks. Of course, I changed mine last night.
I'm way off track. And I'm getting depressed just writing about this. I've managed to go 20 minutes now not crying. I don't want to cry. I'm all over the place. I'll finish (or continue) my breakup story later.
The thing is, I loved (love) this guy, W. I really do (did). And I thought he loved me. Yes, he was significantly younger (5.5 years) and yes, we had some issues. But we were working through them. Or so I thought. The thing that happened were his stupid friends.
I hated his friends. They were young, like him. But stupid. I called them his stupid, loser friends. They all had kids (not that that's a bad thing) and do drugs and party and drink all the time. They steal things from one store and return them to another, just to make money to drink and party. Stupid.
W had this one friend, let's call her A, and she bothered me so much. She ended up staying at his place for a few weeks. And they slept in the same bed. And he didn't tell me. I guessed after finding out she was staying there. (He didn't tell me that, either.) And he didn't understand why it bothered me that he was sleeping (not having sex, sleeping) with another woman.
During this time, his grandfather was in the hospital. W called me one day and said his grandfather wasn't doing well. I offered to come to the hospital to be with him. His response? "I don't need you to. I've got A." Um, wtf? I didn't understand that. He later told me that if he and I weren't together, he'd try being with her. Thanks for that. I didn't need to know.
On top of her bothering me, I found out she's a truly crappy mother. She has a son who's 4 or 5 (I've been around her numerous times and didn't even know she had a kid!) and she has him at parties with drugs and alcohol. That's awful. I would never do that to my kids.
I don't know how I went from talking about my relationship ending to complaining about his friends. Oh well. I just saw on facebook he changed his relationship status to "single." That sucks. Of course, I changed mine last night.
I'm way off track. And I'm getting depressed just writing about this. I've managed to go 20 minutes now not crying. I don't want to cry. I'm all over the place. I'll finish (or continue) my breakup story later.
My Top 10 Fuck You Breakup Songs
I'm going through a breakup. And usually I'm the girl who wallows (and trust me, I have a list of wallowing songs as well,) but this time he treated me badly and I just want to say "fuck you" to him. I loved him very much, but he used me and was an asshole to me. So this is my fuck you to him. I ♥ these songs.
10. "Rolling In The Deep"- Adele. How can you have a list of breakup songs and not include Adele on it? She's the new poster girl for breakups. I love this song. Funny story, when it first came out, I hated it. I had a toothache and her voice made my tooth hurt very badly. But, after I got my wisdom tooth out, I learned to love this song. My favorite line in this song is, "See how I'll leave, with every piece of you/ Don't underestimate the things that I will do." Go on, Adele.
9. "Irreplaceable"- Beyonce. Usually I'm not a fan of Beyonce. I know, I know. But it's true. But this song, damn. She's got it going
on. In the song, she's kicking her man out on his ass 'cause he's cheating on her. And she won't stand for it. She makes him leave
anything she bought. She tells him "Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable." My favorite line in the song? "So
since I’m not your everything/ How about I’ll be nothing, nothing at all to you/ Baby I won’t shed a tear for you, I won’t lose a wink of
sleep/ ‘Cause the truth of the matter is replacing you is so easy."
8. "Fighter"- Christina Aguilera. Okay, I know this song is older. But I love it. It will always help me through a breakup. Pretty much
the song is about Christina Aguilera's ex, who stole money from her. I can't really remember the details. But it's a good song. She
says she thought she knew the guy and he was true to her, but he was lying and his greed sold him out. Then she says he probably
thinks she resents him and all she really wants is to thank him. I love that the song isn't about crying or being heartbroken, but using
that to make yourself a stronger person, a fighter. The chorus is the best in this song, "Makes me that much stronger/ Makes me
work a little bit harder/ It makes me that much wiser/ So thanks for making me a fighter/ Made me learn a little bit faster/ Made my
skin a little bit thicker/ Makes me that much smarter/ So thanks for making me a fighter."
7. "Gives You Hell"- All American Rejects. Another great song. It's about the lead singer of AAR and his ex girlfriend. Rumor is that she
wanted him to settle down (hence the "Where's your picket fence, love/ And where's that shiny car/ And did it ever get you far" line).
He wanted to go forward with his music career. And it's a damn good thing he did. Best line to me is, "Truth be told I miss you/ And
truth be told I'm lying." Yeah, fuck you.
6. "Fuck You"- Cee Lo Green. How can you have a list of fuck you songs and not include "Fuck You"? This song is about a guy who's
girlfriend leaves for another guy with more money. He's telling her and her new boyfriend, "fuck you." My favorite line in the song is
simple. "I pity the fool that falls in love with you." Ouch.
5. "A Friendly Goodbye"- Bowling For Soup. I included this song in my list of "fuck you" songs because Bowling For Soup (BFS) is my
favorite band and they're, in my opinion, sadly underrated. This song is an upbeat, catchy song. From the title, you would assume
that it's friendly. You'd assume wrong. It's about a breakup, obviously. The guy's girlfriend didn't like it when he swore, so he says to
her, "Ain't that a 'b' with an itch/ Ain't that a mother trucker/ You can go to h-e-double hockey sticks/ And f yourself/ Cause I'm
flippin' gosh darn sick/ Of all the 's' word you put me through/ So f-u/ F-u." I think my favorite line is "And I really don't have anything
else nice to say/ So f-u/ F-u." Great, great song.
4. "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)/FURB" mashup- Eamon and Frankee. Eamon's "Fuck It" came out in 2003. It's a song about a guy
who gets cheated on by his girlfriend. Instead of getting emotional and sad, he says he doesn't want her back. Best line in the song?
The chorus. "Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now/ Fuck the presents might as well throw 'em out/ Fuck all those kisses, they
didn't mean jack/ Fuck you, you ho, I don't want you back." Of course, the backlash of the song was enormous. So Frankee (who
claimed to be Eamon's ex) decided to write a response song from the perspective of the girl. The chorus to "FURB" is, "Fuck what I
did, was your fault somehow/ Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out/ Fuck all the cryin' it didn't mean jack/ Well, guess what yo,
fuck you right back."
3. "Mean"- Taylor Swift. Now I know just hearing the name Taylor Swift, you would not think of a fuck you song. But this song is
mean, like the title said. The song is about a guy who is mean. So Ms. Swift decides to call him out on his meanness and his life. So
she tells him he has a voice like nails on a chalkboard and tells wild-fire lies and humiliates people. She then turns the song around to
him, saying he probably got pushed around and someone made him cold. Then she says she's not going down the same road and that
someday she'll be living in a big city, but all the guy ever will be is mean. Then Taylor Swift looks to the future and says he'll be the
same way he is now, washed up and ranting, but no one will listen. The best line in the song, to me, is, "All you are is mean. And a
liar. And pathetic. And alone in life. And mean." Geez, Taylor Swift, you really think he's mean?
2. "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)- Kelly Clarkson. I know she's probably most known for American Idol (season 1 winner) or that
song "Breakaway" (remember when that was overplayed on the radio?), but this is probably one of my favorites by her. Pretty much
the song is about a girl who gets treated badly by her guy. And she leaves him. Just like that. This is one song where there's
numerous great lines. One is, "Think you left me broken down/ Think you had the last laugh/ Think that I'd come running back/ Baby,
you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong." And then the chorus is phenomenal. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger/ Stand
a little taller/ Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone/ What doesn't kill you makes a fighter/ Footsteps even lighter/ Doesn't mean I'm
over cause you're gone." Love it. Exactly. Just because you're single doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely. Thank you, Kelly
Clarkson. Another good line? "You know in the end the day I left was just my beginning... in the end..."
1. "I Will Survive"- Gloria Gaynor. Of course this song is number one. There is nothing more "fuck you" empowering than this song.
She lays that guy out. I love it. And, because this song is number one, here's the whole song.
First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me
I hope you guys enjoy my list. Let me know if there's any songs you think I should add to my list!
10. "Rolling In The Deep"- Adele. How can you have a list of breakup songs and not include Adele on it? She's the new poster girl for breakups. I love this song. Funny story, when it first came out, I hated it. I had a toothache and her voice made my tooth hurt very badly. But, after I got my wisdom tooth out, I learned to love this song. My favorite line in this song is, "See how I'll leave, with every piece of you/ Don't underestimate the things that I will do." Go on, Adele.
9. "Irreplaceable"- Beyonce. Usually I'm not a fan of Beyonce. I know, I know. But it's true. But this song, damn. She's got it going
on. In the song, she's kicking her man out on his ass 'cause he's cheating on her. And she won't stand for it. She makes him leave
anything she bought. She tells him "Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable." My favorite line in the song? "So
since I’m not your everything/ How about I’ll be nothing, nothing at all to you/ Baby I won’t shed a tear for you, I won’t lose a wink of
sleep/ ‘Cause the truth of the matter is replacing you is so easy."
8. "Fighter"- Christina Aguilera. Okay, I know this song is older. But I love it. It will always help me through a breakup. Pretty much
the song is about Christina Aguilera's ex, who stole money from her. I can't really remember the details. But it's a good song. She
says she thought she knew the guy and he was true to her, but he was lying and his greed sold him out. Then she says he probably
thinks she resents him and all she really wants is to thank him. I love that the song isn't about crying or being heartbroken, but using
that to make yourself a stronger person, a fighter. The chorus is the best in this song, "Makes me that much stronger/ Makes me
work a little bit harder/ It makes me that much wiser/ So thanks for making me a fighter/ Made me learn a little bit faster/ Made my
skin a little bit thicker/ Makes me that much smarter/ So thanks for making me a fighter."
7. "Gives You Hell"- All American Rejects. Another great song. It's about the lead singer of AAR and his ex girlfriend. Rumor is that she
wanted him to settle down (hence the "Where's your picket fence, love/ And where's that shiny car/ And did it ever get you far" line).
He wanted to go forward with his music career. And it's a damn good thing he did. Best line to me is, "Truth be told I miss you/ And
truth be told I'm lying." Yeah, fuck you.
6. "Fuck You"- Cee Lo Green. How can you have a list of fuck you songs and not include "Fuck You"? This song is about a guy who's
girlfriend leaves for another guy with more money. He's telling her and her new boyfriend, "fuck you." My favorite line in the song is
simple. "I pity the fool that falls in love with you." Ouch.
5. "A Friendly Goodbye"- Bowling For Soup. I included this song in my list of "fuck you" songs because Bowling For Soup (BFS) is my
favorite band and they're, in my opinion, sadly underrated. This song is an upbeat, catchy song. From the title, you would assume
that it's friendly. You'd assume wrong. It's about a breakup, obviously. The guy's girlfriend didn't like it when he swore, so he says to
her, "Ain't that a 'b' with an itch/ Ain't that a mother trucker/ You can go to h-e-double hockey sticks/ And f yourself/ Cause I'm
flippin' gosh darn sick/ Of all the 's' word you put me through/ So f-u/ F-u." I think my favorite line is "And I really don't have anything
else nice to say/ So f-u/ F-u." Great, great song.
4. "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)/FURB" mashup- Eamon and Frankee. Eamon's "Fuck It" came out in 2003. It's a song about a guy
who gets cheated on by his girlfriend. Instead of getting emotional and sad, he says he doesn't want her back. Best line in the song?
The chorus. "Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now/ Fuck the presents might as well throw 'em out/ Fuck all those kisses, they
didn't mean jack/ Fuck you, you ho, I don't want you back." Of course, the backlash of the song was enormous. So Frankee (who
claimed to be Eamon's ex) decided to write a response song from the perspective of the girl. The chorus to "FURB" is, "Fuck what I
did, was your fault somehow/ Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out/ Fuck all the cryin' it didn't mean jack/ Well, guess what yo,
fuck you right back."
3. "Mean"- Taylor Swift. Now I know just hearing the name Taylor Swift, you would not think of a fuck you song. But this song is
mean, like the title said. The song is about a guy who is mean. So Ms. Swift decides to call him out on his meanness and his life. So
she tells him he has a voice like nails on a chalkboard and tells wild-fire lies and humiliates people. She then turns the song around to
him, saying he probably got pushed around and someone made him cold. Then she says she's not going down the same road and that
someday she'll be living in a big city, but all the guy ever will be is mean. Then Taylor Swift looks to the future and says he'll be the
same way he is now, washed up and ranting, but no one will listen. The best line in the song, to me, is, "All you are is mean. And a
liar. And pathetic. And alone in life. And mean." Geez, Taylor Swift, you really think he's mean?
2. "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)- Kelly Clarkson. I know she's probably most known for American Idol (season 1 winner) or that
song "Breakaway" (remember when that was overplayed on the radio?), but this is probably one of my favorites by her. Pretty much
the song is about a girl who gets treated badly by her guy. And she leaves him. Just like that. This is one song where there's
numerous great lines. One is, "Think you left me broken down/ Think you had the last laugh/ Think that I'd come running back/ Baby,
you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong." And then the chorus is phenomenal. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger/ Stand
a little taller/ Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone/ What doesn't kill you makes a fighter/ Footsteps even lighter/ Doesn't mean I'm
over cause you're gone." Love it. Exactly. Just because you're single doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely. Thank you, Kelly
Clarkson. Another good line? "You know in the end the day I left was just my beginning... in the end..."
1. "I Will Survive"- Gloria Gaynor. Of course this song is number one. There is nothing more "fuck you" empowering than this song.
She lays that guy out. I love it. And, because this song is number one, here's the whole song.
First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me
I hope you guys enjoy my list. Let me know if there's any songs you think I should add to my list!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Ho, ho, ho.
I feel like a whore. And, according to my ex, I kind of am. And I can't even argue with him because I've been sleeping with another guy. I feel like I'm cheating on my ex with this other guy. But I've already been through this in a previous post.
Moving on. Friday evening W and I hung out again. Which obviously means that we had sex again. And it was different this time. The first time was (for him, of course, since I was empty) purely physical. The second time felt different. Then, on Saturday, I had some errands to run. Some shopping and I had to go to work to make sure that I hadn't left the hot glue gun on. (Visions of the building burned to the ground were etched in my head.) Anyway, I wanted some company, so I called W to go with me. He had texted me that morning and said he had something important to talk to me about. I asked him what he needed to talk to me about. He said he wanted to do it face to face. So we're riding to work and I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about. He said he just wanted me to know I was a good person and he cared about me and wanted to cheer me up. I was like, "okay."
This is a long story for not even getting to the point yet. We went out to lunch after I finished at work. It was nice sitting around and chatting. We talked about sex and how the sex the night before was good. Afterwards, we go back to his apartment. We sit around talking. He mentioned then that, if he wasn't talking to some other girl or trying to talk to some other girl, that he would see where we would go. As in relationship-wise. I'm like, "um... We're just friends." So we're talking and he looks at me and asks me to kiss him. I say, "No. We can have sex, but we can't kiss.. We just can't." Probably because I've seen Pretty Woman many times and it was her rule in the movie. We talk some more and he starts telling me about his past and some painful memories. We're lying on the bed together, cuddling. We're talking abbout trust and how we trust each other. We're moving closer and closer. And, God dammit, something in me wants to kiss him. So I move to kiss him and he rejcts me. I ask him why. He says because when he went to kiss me before I didn't want to. I tell him to just kiss me. And he does.
That was a long paragraph. So we're kissing and he tells me that the night before he put emotions (which was forbidden) into the sex. I said I did, too. We lie around and kiss and stuff. Then, of course, we have sex again. And it was good. Really good. Really really good.
There's more to this story, but I'm tired. To be continued.
Moving on. Friday evening W and I hung out again. Which obviously means that we had sex again. And it was different this time. The first time was (for him, of course, since I was empty) purely physical. The second time felt different. Then, on Saturday, I had some errands to run. Some shopping and I had to go to work to make sure that I hadn't left the hot glue gun on. (Visions of the building burned to the ground were etched in my head.) Anyway, I wanted some company, so I called W to go with me. He had texted me that morning and said he had something important to talk to me about. I asked him what he needed to talk to me about. He said he wanted to do it face to face. So we're riding to work and I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about. He said he just wanted me to know I was a good person and he cared about me and wanted to cheer me up. I was like, "okay."
This is a long story for not even getting to the point yet. We went out to lunch after I finished at work. It was nice sitting around and chatting. We talked about sex and how the sex the night before was good. Afterwards, we go back to his apartment. We sit around talking. He mentioned then that, if he wasn't talking to some other girl or trying to talk to some other girl, that he would see where we would go. As in relationship-wise. I'm like, "um... We're just friends." So we're talking and he looks at me and asks me to kiss him. I say, "No. We can have sex, but we can't kiss.. We just can't." Probably because I've seen Pretty Woman many times and it was her rule in the movie. We talk some more and he starts telling me about his past and some painful memories. We're lying on the bed together, cuddling. We're talking abbout trust and how we trust each other. We're moving closer and closer. And, God dammit, something in me wants to kiss him. So I move to kiss him and he rejcts me. I ask him why. He says because when he went to kiss me before I didn't want to. I tell him to just kiss me. And he does.
That was a long paragraph. So we're kissing and he tells me that the night before he put emotions (which was forbidden) into the sex. I said I did, too. We lie around and kiss and stuff. Then, of course, we have sex again. And it was good. Really good. Really really good.
There's more to this story, but I'm tired. To be continued.
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