I was going to write a whole post about how I came to know this information and everything, but I've realized it's not important. Well, it is, but the information is more important than how I came to find out. I'm not making sense. Let me just put it out there.
He cheated.
And not only did he cheat on me with one girl (which would be bad enough) he cheated on me with two girls. At the same time. A month ago.
Well, damn. I feel like a fool. I loved him. I loved him. I still love him. And he fucked some other girls.
The way I found out, by the way, is one of the girls he cheated on me with called me to tell me. I was shocked and upset. Immediately I hung up. Apparently the girl called him, because he called me. And he admitted to it. And also told me that if the girl hadn't called me, I would have never found out.
During all this, he has admitted that he still loves me and wants to be with me. Can you confuse me anymore, dude?
Obviously, I haven't been dealing with this very well. I spent Tuesday (I found out late Monday night/Tuesday morning) and Wednesday being pissed. Very pissed. He told me Wednesday to please not tell his mom because she'd kick his ass. I texted his sister and told her. And his sister told his mom. Technically, I didn't do it. His mom facebook messaged me and said her son was a stupid ass and I would have been a good daughter-in-law. His sister texted me that her dumbass brother is a whore.
Thursday I wasn't mad. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't happy. I was confused and hurt. I guess the shock and pissed-ness had worn off. I'm deep in the depression and hurt now. I'm trying to claw my way out. It's just hard.
People keep telling me how I should feel/what I should do/what I should think. But they don't get it. They're not me. They're not in my shoes. Admittedly, I've done some stupid stuff since I found out that he cheated on me. I have. And I know they're stupid.
I'll be honest, I've got some pretty deep cuts on my leg. I was so hurt by everything that I got a boxcutter (not smart) and cut until I couldn't feel anything. At the same time I was drinking. I've had a lot of alcohol since I found out. And pills.
I've always had trouble sleeping. Always. But it's been worse. I've had maybe 4 hours of sleep since Monday. One night, I guess it was Thursday (I think... Days are all the same) I took 2 ambien, 3 tylenol pm, and a percocet. Still couldn't sleep.
Thursday night was bad. It was. That's when the cutting happened. And the pills. And a bulk of the drinking. I did something stupid (well, something else stupid). I sent my ex a picture of my bloody leg. He texted me back, "what the fuck did you do that for?!?!?!?" Then he called to tell me I was stupid. I didn't disagree.
He told his sister. Who texted me and bitched me out. And I didn't care. I don't care. It's Sunday afternoon at 1:30 and I've spent the entire weekend in my pajamas in bed. I haven't felt like talking to anyone. I haven't felt like doing anything. Except cry. The TV has been on. Can't tell you what was on the TV. His sister texted me. I texted her back. He texted me. Whatever. I updated my facebook status telling people to please leave me alone and let me deal with things my own way.
I'm broken. He wins. He broke me like I think he was trying to do all along. Fine. With everything else going on in my life at the moment, this was the last thing I needed. The last thing. And I'm done trying to be strong. I can't do it anymore.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
iwantababy
Yes, yes, I do. I want a baby. I want one now. The thing that sucks is my ex and I were actively trying to have a baby. We had been trying since January to get pregnant. If not for the fact that I was on really strong meds and sick (2 minor surgeries, 2 ER visits) I believe I'd be knocked up now. We decided together that we wanted a child. So we did the whole thing. The whole ovulation-and-temperatures-and-position-legs on the wall-thing. I monitored everything. And, this last time, my period was 11 days late. Unfortunately, when I took the pregnancy test (I swear I took about 6 of them in 2 months) it was negative. I got my period 2 days later.
What else sucks is that we had picked out baby names. And now I can't use them. We had 4 names picked. 2 boys, 2 girls. We both wanted a girl. Harper Elizabeth. Or a boy, Samuel James. Lily Nicole. Joseph Henry. Those were our names. But now....
I guess it's a good thing that I'm not pregnant. We're not together.
He texted me earlier. I had written on facebook last night "'Moving on in simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.' Ending relationships is hard, especially when you still love the other person. I wish you nothing but the best with everything in your life." He commented that he still loves me, too, and there's someone better for me out there. Okay, whatever.
Today was a snow day, but I went into work, anyway. It was nice. With my boss out of town (her grandfather passed away) I'm in charge. So I had some stuff to do. I loved being at work by myself. I got to blast my music (all the songs from my "fuck you" playlist) and sing along loudly. It was fun.
There's this park in my town and I love it. There's a waterfall and a path going down to it. It's a little bit of a hike, but so pretty. It's worth it. I love to go and hike to the waterfall. There are rocks next to it and I sit there and think. Unfortunately, with all the rain we've had lately, the path is flooded. So I sat on a bench next to the lake/waterfall instead. Still nice.
W texted me this evening. Just to say he was sorry and that he hoped we could still be friends. Um....? He said he doesn't know what he wants and is confused and is trying not to listen to his heart. Well, fine then. Whatever. I told him that he really hurt me and I needed time to decide if I could be his friend. I then texted his sister (I truly love her like she is my own sister) to get her address to mail his stuff to him. I don't want to see him and I don't want to talk to him really. He can always swing by his parents' house and get his stuff.
I'm all over the place tonight. I'm going to miss his family. His mom told me that I was a welcome addition to their family. I adore his sister, who's 17. His cousin, L, is stupid and funny. And his parents are amazing. I loved spending time with them. I'm really going to miss them. And him. And his friend, J. J is the sweetest woman. That's what sucks about relationships. All the people you lose.
What's funny is we were actually planning our wedding. I mean, we were already trying to have a baby. Why not plan a wedding, too? My bestie was obviously going to be my maid (matron) of honor. His sister was going to be my bridesmaid. His friend, K, was going to be his best man. Our wedding colors were purple and blue. We were going to get married in his hometown next to the river. We were going to invite 75-100 people.
We were looking for an apartment. We were going to move in together. It wasn't a big deal. We spent all our time together anyway. Things were falling into place. We were happy.
Then, all of a sudden, he wasn't. He started spending more time with his stupid, loser friends and more time partying. I was "nagging" him and I was "needy." He went out of his way to say things to hurt me. I went out of my way to point out he was being an asshole (which he freely admitted). He hurt me a lot, with things he said. So, yesterday, I got tired of it. I got tired of him being an asshole and being mean. I got tired of crying and being hurt. So I told him if I didn't make him happy anymore, fine. Just don't be with me. And, just like that, our relationship was over.
How are we supposed to be friends after this? After our life together was planned out? How am I supposed to talk to him casually when he was there for me through my dad's cancer coming back and my surgeries (big surgery in 23 days!) and my grandmother dying? How am I supposed to look at him when all I can see is us together? I don't know if I can do it.
What else sucks is that we had picked out baby names. And now I can't use them. We had 4 names picked. 2 boys, 2 girls. We both wanted a girl. Harper Elizabeth. Or a boy, Samuel James. Lily Nicole. Joseph Henry. Those were our names. But now....
I guess it's a good thing that I'm not pregnant. We're not together.
He texted me earlier. I had written on facebook last night "'Moving on in simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.' Ending relationships is hard, especially when you still love the other person. I wish you nothing but the best with everything in your life." He commented that he still loves me, too, and there's someone better for me out there. Okay, whatever.
Today was a snow day, but I went into work, anyway. It was nice. With my boss out of town (her grandfather passed away) I'm in charge. So I had some stuff to do. I loved being at work by myself. I got to blast my music (all the songs from my "fuck you" playlist) and sing along loudly. It was fun.
There's this park in my town and I love it. There's a waterfall and a path going down to it. It's a little bit of a hike, but so pretty. It's worth it. I love to go and hike to the waterfall. There are rocks next to it and I sit there and think. Unfortunately, with all the rain we've had lately, the path is flooded. So I sat on a bench next to the lake/waterfall instead. Still nice.
W texted me this evening. Just to say he was sorry and that he hoped we could still be friends. Um....? He said he doesn't know what he wants and is confused and is trying not to listen to his heart. Well, fine then. Whatever. I told him that he really hurt me and I needed time to decide if I could be his friend. I then texted his sister (I truly love her like she is my own sister) to get her address to mail his stuff to him. I don't want to see him and I don't want to talk to him really. He can always swing by his parents' house and get his stuff.
I'm all over the place tonight. I'm going to miss his family. His mom told me that I was a welcome addition to their family. I adore his sister, who's 17. His cousin, L, is stupid and funny. And his parents are amazing. I loved spending time with them. I'm really going to miss them. And him. And his friend, J. J is the sweetest woman. That's what sucks about relationships. All the people you lose.
What's funny is we were actually planning our wedding. I mean, we were already trying to have a baby. Why not plan a wedding, too? My bestie was obviously going to be my maid (matron) of honor. His sister was going to be my bridesmaid. His friend, K, was going to be his best man. Our wedding colors were purple and blue. We were going to get married in his hometown next to the river. We were going to invite 75-100 people.
We were looking for an apartment. We were going to move in together. It wasn't a big deal. We spent all our time together anyway. Things were falling into place. We were happy.
Then, all of a sudden, he wasn't. He started spending more time with his stupid, loser friends and more time partying. I was "nagging" him and I was "needy." He went out of his way to say things to hurt me. I went out of my way to point out he was being an asshole (which he freely admitted). He hurt me a lot, with things he said. So, yesterday, I got tired of it. I got tired of him being an asshole and being mean. I got tired of crying and being hurt. So I told him if I didn't make him happy anymore, fine. Just don't be with me. And, just like that, our relationship was over.
How are we supposed to be friends after this? After our life together was planned out? How am I supposed to talk to him casually when he was there for me through my dad's cancer coming back and my surgeries (big surgery in 23 days!) and my grandmother dying? How am I supposed to look at him when all I can see is us together? I don't know if I can do it.
Ha. After reading over my past few blog posts, I realized I hadn't even written about being in a relationship. And now that relationship is over. I pretty much figured it was over the other day (Wednesday, I believe) when I left my best friend the tearful message, "Hey girl. I'm ok. I just think I hate my boyfriend." After realizing that, how good can a relationship really be?
The thing is, I loved (love) this guy, W. I really do (did). And I thought he loved me. Yes, he was significantly younger (5.5 years) and yes, we had some issues. But we were working through them. Or so I thought. The thing that happened were his stupid friends.
I hated his friends. They were young, like him. But stupid. I called them his stupid, loser friends. They all had kids (not that that's a bad thing) and do drugs and party and drink all the time. They steal things from one store and return them to another, just to make money to drink and party. Stupid.
W had this one friend, let's call her A, and she bothered me so much. She ended up staying at his place for a few weeks. And they slept in the same bed. And he didn't tell me. I guessed after finding out she was staying there. (He didn't tell me that, either.) And he didn't understand why it bothered me that he was sleeping (not having sex, sleeping) with another woman.
During this time, his grandfather was in the hospital. W called me one day and said his grandfather wasn't doing well. I offered to come to the hospital to be with him. His response? "I don't need you to. I've got A." Um, wtf? I didn't understand that. He later told me that if he and I weren't together, he'd try being with her. Thanks for that. I didn't need to know.
On top of her bothering me, I found out she's a truly crappy mother. She has a son who's 4 or 5 (I've been around her numerous times and didn't even know she had a kid!) and she has him at parties with drugs and alcohol. That's awful. I would never do that to my kids.
I don't know how I went from talking about my relationship ending to complaining about his friends. Oh well. I just saw on facebook he changed his relationship status to "single." That sucks. Of course, I changed mine last night.
I'm way off track. And I'm getting depressed just writing about this. I've managed to go 20 minutes now not crying. I don't want to cry. I'm all over the place. I'll finish (or continue) my breakup story later.
The thing is, I loved (love) this guy, W. I really do (did). And I thought he loved me. Yes, he was significantly younger (5.5 years) and yes, we had some issues. But we were working through them. Or so I thought. The thing that happened were his stupid friends.
I hated his friends. They were young, like him. But stupid. I called them his stupid, loser friends. They all had kids (not that that's a bad thing) and do drugs and party and drink all the time. They steal things from one store and return them to another, just to make money to drink and party. Stupid.
W had this one friend, let's call her A, and she bothered me so much. She ended up staying at his place for a few weeks. And they slept in the same bed. And he didn't tell me. I guessed after finding out she was staying there. (He didn't tell me that, either.) And he didn't understand why it bothered me that he was sleeping (not having sex, sleeping) with another woman.
During this time, his grandfather was in the hospital. W called me one day and said his grandfather wasn't doing well. I offered to come to the hospital to be with him. His response? "I don't need you to. I've got A." Um, wtf? I didn't understand that. He later told me that if he and I weren't together, he'd try being with her. Thanks for that. I didn't need to know.
On top of her bothering me, I found out she's a truly crappy mother. She has a son who's 4 or 5 (I've been around her numerous times and didn't even know she had a kid!) and she has him at parties with drugs and alcohol. That's awful. I would never do that to my kids.
I don't know how I went from talking about my relationship ending to complaining about his friends. Oh well. I just saw on facebook he changed his relationship status to "single." That sucks. Of course, I changed mine last night.
I'm way off track. And I'm getting depressed just writing about this. I've managed to go 20 minutes now not crying. I don't want to cry. I'm all over the place. I'll finish (or continue) my breakup story later.
My Top 10 Fuck You Breakup Songs
I'm going through a breakup. And usually I'm the girl who wallows (and trust me, I have a list of wallowing songs as well,) but this time he treated me badly and I just want to say "fuck you" to him. I loved him very much, but he used me and was an asshole to me. So this is my fuck you to him. I ♥ these songs.
10. "Rolling In The Deep"- Adele. How can you have a list of breakup songs and not include Adele on it? She's the new poster girl for breakups. I love this song. Funny story, when it first came out, I hated it. I had a toothache and her voice made my tooth hurt very badly. But, after I got my wisdom tooth out, I learned to love this song. My favorite line in this song is, "See how I'll leave, with every piece of you/ Don't underestimate the things that I will do." Go on, Adele.
9. "Irreplaceable"- Beyonce. Usually I'm not a fan of Beyonce. I know, I know. But it's true. But this song, damn. She's got it going
on. In the song, she's kicking her man out on his ass 'cause he's cheating on her. And she won't stand for it. She makes him leave
anything she bought. She tells him "Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable." My favorite line in the song? "So
since I’m not your everything/ How about I’ll be nothing, nothing at all to you/ Baby I won’t shed a tear for you, I won’t lose a wink of
sleep/ ‘Cause the truth of the matter is replacing you is so easy."
8. "Fighter"- Christina Aguilera. Okay, I know this song is older. But I love it. It will always help me through a breakup. Pretty much
the song is about Christina Aguilera's ex, who stole money from her. I can't really remember the details. But it's a good song. She
says she thought she knew the guy and he was true to her, but he was lying and his greed sold him out. Then she says he probably
thinks she resents him and all she really wants is to thank him. I love that the song isn't about crying or being heartbroken, but using
that to make yourself a stronger person, a fighter. The chorus is the best in this song, "Makes me that much stronger/ Makes me
work a little bit harder/ It makes me that much wiser/ So thanks for making me a fighter/ Made me learn a little bit faster/ Made my
skin a little bit thicker/ Makes me that much smarter/ So thanks for making me a fighter."
7. "Gives You Hell"- All American Rejects. Another great song. It's about the lead singer of AAR and his ex girlfriend. Rumor is that she
wanted him to settle down (hence the "Where's your picket fence, love/ And where's that shiny car/ And did it ever get you far" line).
He wanted to go forward with his music career. And it's a damn good thing he did. Best line to me is, "Truth be told I miss you/ And
truth be told I'm lying." Yeah, fuck you.
6. "Fuck You"- Cee Lo Green. How can you have a list of fuck you songs and not include "Fuck You"? This song is about a guy who's
girlfriend leaves for another guy with more money. He's telling her and her new boyfriend, "fuck you." My favorite line in the song is
simple. "I pity the fool that falls in love with you." Ouch.
5. "A Friendly Goodbye"- Bowling For Soup. I included this song in my list of "fuck you" songs because Bowling For Soup (BFS) is my
favorite band and they're, in my opinion, sadly underrated. This song is an upbeat, catchy song. From the title, you would assume
that it's friendly. You'd assume wrong. It's about a breakup, obviously. The guy's girlfriend didn't like it when he swore, so he says to
her, "Ain't that a 'b' with an itch/ Ain't that a mother trucker/ You can go to h-e-double hockey sticks/ And f yourself/ Cause I'm
flippin' gosh darn sick/ Of all the 's' word you put me through/ So f-u/ F-u." I think my favorite line is "And I really don't have anything
else nice to say/ So f-u/ F-u." Great, great song.
4. "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)/FURB" mashup- Eamon and Frankee. Eamon's "Fuck It" came out in 2003. It's a song about a guy
who gets cheated on by his girlfriend. Instead of getting emotional and sad, he says he doesn't want her back. Best line in the song?
The chorus. "Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now/ Fuck the presents might as well throw 'em out/ Fuck all those kisses, they
didn't mean jack/ Fuck you, you ho, I don't want you back." Of course, the backlash of the song was enormous. So Frankee (who
claimed to be Eamon's ex) decided to write a response song from the perspective of the girl. The chorus to "FURB" is, "Fuck what I
did, was your fault somehow/ Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out/ Fuck all the cryin' it didn't mean jack/ Well, guess what yo,
fuck you right back."
3. "Mean"- Taylor Swift. Now I know just hearing the name Taylor Swift, you would not think of a fuck you song. But this song is
mean, like the title said. The song is about a guy who is mean. So Ms. Swift decides to call him out on his meanness and his life. So
she tells him he has a voice like nails on a chalkboard and tells wild-fire lies and humiliates people. She then turns the song around to
him, saying he probably got pushed around and someone made him cold. Then she says she's not going down the same road and that
someday she'll be living in a big city, but all the guy ever will be is mean. Then Taylor Swift looks to the future and says he'll be the
same way he is now, washed up and ranting, but no one will listen. The best line in the song, to me, is, "All you are is mean. And a
liar. And pathetic. And alone in life. And mean." Geez, Taylor Swift, you really think he's mean?
2. "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)- Kelly Clarkson. I know she's probably most known for American Idol (season 1 winner) or that
song "Breakaway" (remember when that was overplayed on the radio?), but this is probably one of my favorites by her. Pretty much
the song is about a girl who gets treated badly by her guy. And she leaves him. Just like that. This is one song where there's
numerous great lines. One is, "Think you left me broken down/ Think you had the last laugh/ Think that I'd come running back/ Baby,
you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong." And then the chorus is phenomenal. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger/ Stand
a little taller/ Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone/ What doesn't kill you makes a fighter/ Footsteps even lighter/ Doesn't mean I'm
over cause you're gone." Love it. Exactly. Just because you're single doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely. Thank you, Kelly
Clarkson. Another good line? "You know in the end the day I left was just my beginning... in the end..."
1. "I Will Survive"- Gloria Gaynor. Of course this song is number one. There is nothing more "fuck you" empowering than this song.
She lays that guy out. I love it. And, because this song is number one, here's the whole song.
First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me
I hope you guys enjoy my list. Let me know if there's any songs you think I should add to my list!
10. "Rolling In The Deep"- Adele. How can you have a list of breakup songs and not include Adele on it? She's the new poster girl for breakups. I love this song. Funny story, when it first came out, I hated it. I had a toothache and her voice made my tooth hurt very badly. But, after I got my wisdom tooth out, I learned to love this song. My favorite line in this song is, "See how I'll leave, with every piece of you/ Don't underestimate the things that I will do." Go on, Adele.
9. "Irreplaceable"- Beyonce. Usually I'm not a fan of Beyonce. I know, I know. But it's true. But this song, damn. She's got it going
on. In the song, she's kicking her man out on his ass 'cause he's cheating on her. And she won't stand for it. She makes him leave
anything she bought. She tells him "Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable." My favorite line in the song? "So
since I’m not your everything/ How about I’ll be nothing, nothing at all to you/ Baby I won’t shed a tear for you, I won’t lose a wink of
sleep/ ‘Cause the truth of the matter is replacing you is so easy."
8. "Fighter"- Christina Aguilera. Okay, I know this song is older. But I love it. It will always help me through a breakup. Pretty much
the song is about Christina Aguilera's ex, who stole money from her. I can't really remember the details. But it's a good song. She
says she thought she knew the guy and he was true to her, but he was lying and his greed sold him out. Then she says he probably
thinks she resents him and all she really wants is to thank him. I love that the song isn't about crying or being heartbroken, but using
that to make yourself a stronger person, a fighter. The chorus is the best in this song, "Makes me that much stronger/ Makes me
work a little bit harder/ It makes me that much wiser/ So thanks for making me a fighter/ Made me learn a little bit faster/ Made my
skin a little bit thicker/ Makes me that much smarter/ So thanks for making me a fighter."
7. "Gives You Hell"- All American Rejects. Another great song. It's about the lead singer of AAR and his ex girlfriend. Rumor is that she
wanted him to settle down (hence the "Where's your picket fence, love/ And where's that shiny car/ And did it ever get you far" line).
He wanted to go forward with his music career. And it's a damn good thing he did. Best line to me is, "Truth be told I miss you/ And
truth be told I'm lying." Yeah, fuck you.
6. "Fuck You"- Cee Lo Green. How can you have a list of fuck you songs and not include "Fuck You"? This song is about a guy who's
girlfriend leaves for another guy with more money. He's telling her and her new boyfriend, "fuck you." My favorite line in the song is
simple. "I pity the fool that falls in love with you." Ouch.
5. "A Friendly Goodbye"- Bowling For Soup. I included this song in my list of "fuck you" songs because Bowling For Soup (BFS) is my
favorite band and they're, in my opinion, sadly underrated. This song is an upbeat, catchy song. From the title, you would assume
that it's friendly. You'd assume wrong. It's about a breakup, obviously. The guy's girlfriend didn't like it when he swore, so he says to
her, "Ain't that a 'b' with an itch/ Ain't that a mother trucker/ You can go to h-e-double hockey sticks/ And f yourself/ Cause I'm
flippin' gosh darn sick/ Of all the 's' word you put me through/ So f-u/ F-u." I think my favorite line is "And I really don't have anything
else nice to say/ So f-u/ F-u." Great, great song.
4. "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)/FURB" mashup- Eamon and Frankee. Eamon's "Fuck It" came out in 2003. It's a song about a guy
who gets cheated on by his girlfriend. Instead of getting emotional and sad, he says he doesn't want her back. Best line in the song?
The chorus. "Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now/ Fuck the presents might as well throw 'em out/ Fuck all those kisses, they
didn't mean jack/ Fuck you, you ho, I don't want you back." Of course, the backlash of the song was enormous. So Frankee (who
claimed to be Eamon's ex) decided to write a response song from the perspective of the girl. The chorus to "FURB" is, "Fuck what I
did, was your fault somehow/ Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out/ Fuck all the cryin' it didn't mean jack/ Well, guess what yo,
fuck you right back."
3. "Mean"- Taylor Swift. Now I know just hearing the name Taylor Swift, you would not think of a fuck you song. But this song is
mean, like the title said. The song is about a guy who is mean. So Ms. Swift decides to call him out on his meanness and his life. So
she tells him he has a voice like nails on a chalkboard and tells wild-fire lies and humiliates people. She then turns the song around to
him, saying he probably got pushed around and someone made him cold. Then she says she's not going down the same road and that
someday she'll be living in a big city, but all the guy ever will be is mean. Then Taylor Swift looks to the future and says he'll be the
same way he is now, washed up and ranting, but no one will listen. The best line in the song, to me, is, "All you are is mean. And a
liar. And pathetic. And alone in life. And mean." Geez, Taylor Swift, you really think he's mean?
2. "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)- Kelly Clarkson. I know she's probably most known for American Idol (season 1 winner) or that
song "Breakaway" (remember when that was overplayed on the radio?), but this is probably one of my favorites by her. Pretty much
the song is about a girl who gets treated badly by her guy. And she leaves him. Just like that. This is one song where there's
numerous great lines. One is, "Think you left me broken down/ Think you had the last laugh/ Think that I'd come running back/ Baby,
you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong." And then the chorus is phenomenal. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger/ Stand
a little taller/ Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone/ What doesn't kill you makes a fighter/ Footsteps even lighter/ Doesn't mean I'm
over cause you're gone." Love it. Exactly. Just because you're single doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely. Thank you, Kelly
Clarkson. Another good line? "You know in the end the day I left was just my beginning... in the end..."
1. "I Will Survive"- Gloria Gaynor. Of course this song is number one. There is nothing more "fuck you" empowering than this song.
She lays that guy out. I love it. And, because this song is number one, here's the whole song.
First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me
I hope you guys enjoy my list. Let me know if there's any songs you think I should add to my list!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Ho, ho, ho.
I feel like a whore. And, according to my ex, I kind of am. And I can't even argue with him because I've been sleeping with another guy. I feel like I'm cheating on my ex with this other guy. But I've already been through this in a previous post.
Moving on. Friday evening W and I hung out again. Which obviously means that we had sex again. And it was different this time. The first time was (for him, of course, since I was empty) purely physical. The second time felt different. Then, on Saturday, I had some errands to run. Some shopping and I had to go to work to make sure that I hadn't left the hot glue gun on. (Visions of the building burned to the ground were etched in my head.) Anyway, I wanted some company, so I called W to go with me. He had texted me that morning and said he had something important to talk to me about. I asked him what he needed to talk to me about. He said he wanted to do it face to face. So we're riding to work and I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about. He said he just wanted me to know I was a good person and he cared about me and wanted to cheer me up. I was like, "okay."
This is a long story for not even getting to the point yet. We went out to lunch after I finished at work. It was nice sitting around and chatting. We talked about sex and how the sex the night before was good. Afterwards, we go back to his apartment. We sit around talking. He mentioned then that, if he wasn't talking to some other girl or trying to talk to some other girl, that he would see where we would go. As in relationship-wise. I'm like, "um... We're just friends." So we're talking and he looks at me and asks me to kiss him. I say, "No. We can have sex, but we can't kiss.. We just can't." Probably because I've seen Pretty Woman many times and it was her rule in the movie. We talk some more and he starts telling me about his past and some painful memories. We're lying on the bed together, cuddling. We're talking abbout trust and how we trust each other. We're moving closer and closer. And, God dammit, something in me wants to kiss him. So I move to kiss him and he rejcts me. I ask him why. He says because when he went to kiss me before I didn't want to. I tell him to just kiss me. And he does.
That was a long paragraph. So we're kissing and he tells me that the night before he put emotions (which was forbidden) into the sex. I said I did, too. We lie around and kiss and stuff. Then, of course, we have sex again. And it was good. Really good. Really really good.
There's more to this story, but I'm tired. To be continued.
Moving on. Friday evening W and I hung out again. Which obviously means that we had sex again. And it was different this time. The first time was (for him, of course, since I was empty) purely physical. The second time felt different. Then, on Saturday, I had some errands to run. Some shopping and I had to go to work to make sure that I hadn't left the hot glue gun on. (Visions of the building burned to the ground were etched in my head.) Anyway, I wanted some company, so I called W to go with me. He had texted me that morning and said he had something important to talk to me about. I asked him what he needed to talk to me about. He said he wanted to do it face to face. So we're riding to work and I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about. He said he just wanted me to know I was a good person and he cared about me and wanted to cheer me up. I was like, "okay."
This is a long story for not even getting to the point yet. We went out to lunch after I finished at work. It was nice sitting around and chatting. We talked about sex and how the sex the night before was good. Afterwards, we go back to his apartment. We sit around talking. He mentioned then that, if he wasn't talking to some other girl or trying to talk to some other girl, that he would see where we would go. As in relationship-wise. I'm like, "um... We're just friends." So we're talking and he looks at me and asks me to kiss him. I say, "No. We can have sex, but we can't kiss.. We just can't." Probably because I've seen Pretty Woman many times and it was her rule in the movie. We talk some more and he starts telling me about his past and some painful memories. We're lying on the bed together, cuddling. We're talking abbout trust and how we trust each other. We're moving closer and closer. And, God dammit, something in me wants to kiss him. So I move to kiss him and he rejcts me. I ask him why. He says because when he went to kiss me before I didn't want to. I tell him to just kiss me. And he does.
That was a long paragraph. So we're kissing and he tells me that the night before he put emotions (which was forbidden) into the sex. I said I did, too. We lie around and kiss and stuff. Then, of course, we have sex again. And it was good. Really good. Really really good.
There's more to this story, but I'm tired. To be continued.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
FURB
Well, I guess there's nothing like a breakup to kick a girl into blogging overdrive. Two blog posts in a week, wow. All in all, I'm doing okay. I'm not crying as much as I was. Only problem besides missing my ex so intently I could yell is the hookup guy is still texting and calling, wanting more. Ugh.
So back in the day, I used to write all the time. Nothing good, just strictly teen emotional poetry. I loved it. But since I've become an "adult" I've stopped writing. I guess another perk of heartbreak is it's fuel for my writing. I'm getting all my angst and heartache down on paper. Or, in this case, really bad parody of a probably awful song.
So I'm sure you're wondering what the song is. It's "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back) by Eamon. It's a song full of "fuck you" and anger. I actually prefer the mashup of Eamon's "Fuck It" and the response "Fuck You Right Back (FURB)" by Frankee. Below is my lyrics (I basically kept the same chorus, cause it fit my situation) and a link to the mashup. Enjoy :)
Eamon/Frankee "Fuck It/FURB" mashup
My lyrics:
No no no
See I don't know why
I loved you so bad
Even when
You were mad
I told you I wanted
To be with you forever
I thought I knew you better
I wanted to let you know
(How) I feel
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all those kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all those kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
You thought you could
Lie right to my face
You mean ass, you're a disgrace
You told me, that you'd always love me
Now you're takin it all back
Your ass is so whack, look elsehwere
Cause you're done with me
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all the kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all the kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
You always
Called me a pussy
You always told me
I was too emotionally crazy
Now it's over, and I guess that I am sad
It hurts real bad, but I can't sweat that
Cause I loved the prick
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all the kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
So back in the day, I used to write all the time. Nothing good, just strictly teen emotional poetry. I loved it. But since I've become an "adult" I've stopped writing. I guess another perk of heartbreak is it's fuel for my writing. I'm getting all my angst and heartache down on paper. Or, in this case, really bad parody of a probably awful song.
So I'm sure you're wondering what the song is. It's "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back) by Eamon. It's a song full of "fuck you" and anger. I actually prefer the mashup of Eamon's "Fuck It" and the response "Fuck You Right Back (FURB)" by Frankee. Below is my lyrics (I basically kept the same chorus, cause it fit my situation) and a link to the mashup. Enjoy :)
Eamon/Frankee "Fuck It/FURB" mashup
My lyrics:
No no no
See I don't know why
I loved you so bad
Even when
You were mad
I told you I wanted
To be with you forever
I thought I knew you better
I wanted to let you know
(How) I feel
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all those kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all those kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
You thought you could
Lie right to my face
You mean ass, you're a disgrace
You told me, that you'd always love me
Now you're takin it all back
Your ass is so whack, look elsehwere
Cause you're done with me
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all the kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all the kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
You always
Called me a pussy
You always told me
I was too emotionally crazy
Now it's over, and I guess that I am sad
It hurts real bad, but I can't sweat that
Cause I loved the prick
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all the kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Happy ho-lidays.
Once again, I suck at blogging. Pretty much the only time I remember to do it is when something is bothering me or I'm elated. At the moment, though, I'm pretty numb. And empty.
Let me just preface this by saying, there is no happy ending. And there never will be. I look at my friends and how happy they are and how easy it is for them to be in relationships. For me, it's not like that. It's hard for me to even just be happy. Over the last couple of months however, being happy has been nearly impossible.
My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years. The first year and a half was amazing. He was simply the greatest guy ever and we were very much in love. During this time, though, he moves away. Then, last October, he started doubting how he felt. So we broke up for a time. Then, after he realized he was still in love with me, we got back together and our relationship was back on track.
This is when the wedding planning began. And it was good. We were happy. Then I visited him. And he apparently decided then that I was too emotional for him to be with. So we broke up again. But still talked every day and emailed and texted and didn't date other people. Not a good breakup because I still had hopes. And he knew that.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving 2011. He and I are talking and he tells me he's still in love with me and wants to be with me. Awesome, right? So things are good. He mentions he needs help with some schoolwork (he's in school to be a teacher) so I help him out. I do 2 powerpoint presentations for him. He tells me I'm a saint and he's so in love with me for helping him and I'm just awesome. We start discussing this upcoming summer and the visiting arrangements. We decide I'll fly out to visit him for a few weeks, then we'll drive back together and he'll stay with me for a week or so. On this past Sunday, I give him his final powerpoint. He's over the moon with how awesome it is and how he knows he'll get a good grade on it and thank you so much for helping and I love you so much.
We talk again about 5 hours later. And his voice is completely different. I mention something about our relationship. He asks if that's what we're in. I reply that I thought so. He then proceeds to tell me that he's not in love with me. And I'm taken aback. Our previous conversations said something completely different. So either he's lying now or he's been lying to me before to get something... His powerpoints.
I call him out on it and he doesn't deny it. He said he still wants to be friends and I tell him no. It's not going to happen. I hang up. The next day he emails me saying we should calm down to talk rationally. I say there's nothing to talk about I'm moving on and not going to talk to him anymore because it hurts too much.
When he calls me that night, I don't answer. He keeps calling. Finally, I answer to tell him we're not going to be friends and we're not going to talk. It's over.
Obviously, I'm upset. Even though I'm the one who decided to move on and let him go, I'm upset. So I decide to go last night to a friend's house. W and I talk about things and he's very nice. He lets me cry and scream and hugs me and tells me things will be okay. And it's nice. He then offers me more than just hugs. And I take it. I don't know why. I'm lying on his roommate's bed with no sheets, in a purple and white room with the lights off having sex. And all I'm thinking about is the Twilight: Breaking Dawn movie I saw on Saturday. I feel nothing. I'm numb. When it's over, I get up, put on my jeans and my bra. I stuff one of my shirts into my purse and the other is button sluttily low. I grab my stuff and slink out the back door. I get in my car and all I can think is how it feels as if I cheated on my ex. I know I didn't. I know in my head we're not together, so what I did was perfectly justified. But I can't convince my heart.
I get home and put on my pjs. I'm empty and numb. I can't cry. I decide this will be a good time to pack up all the stuff he's given me. I turn on my favorite TV show, Gilmore Girls. I take a box and start with the pictures of us. Then the stuff I bought in Vegas with him. And the jewelry he gave me. Then he calls. And calls.
I call him back, I don't know why. He starts talking to me like it's a normal day and he didn't break my heart. I tell him I'm over it and I'm tired of everything. I tell him I am not talking to him anymore. He finally gets it, because he gets mad and says, "Okay, fine. I'm done." I say, "No. I'm done." And it's over.
I lay down on the bed and drift to sleep to the Gilmore Girls dvd (Season 4, a good season.) I wake up and turn the TV off. I turn off the lamp and go back to sleep. But sleep doesn't last long. It's a fitful night of sleep. I toss and turn, and turn and toss. I think of W and having sex. I think of my ex and how I wish he cared. I think of the daunting task of moving on. I think of having to tell people that we're no longer together. I think of how his Christmas gift is still being shipped to me so I could send it to him. I'm alone. I'm a loser. I'm a slut. I'm alone. And God, at this moment, I deserve it.
Let me just preface this by saying, there is no happy ending. And there never will be. I look at my friends and how happy they are and how easy it is for them to be in relationships. For me, it's not like that. It's hard for me to even just be happy. Over the last couple of months however, being happy has been nearly impossible.
My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years. The first year and a half was amazing. He was simply the greatest guy ever and we were very much in love. During this time, though, he moves away. Then, last October, he started doubting how he felt. So we broke up for a time. Then, after he realized he was still in love with me, we got back together and our relationship was back on track.
This is when the wedding planning began. And it was good. We were happy. Then I visited him. And he apparently decided then that I was too emotional for him to be with. So we broke up again. But still talked every day and emailed and texted and didn't date other people. Not a good breakup because I still had hopes. And he knew that.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving 2011. He and I are talking and he tells me he's still in love with me and wants to be with me. Awesome, right? So things are good. He mentions he needs help with some schoolwork (he's in school to be a teacher) so I help him out. I do 2 powerpoint presentations for him. He tells me I'm a saint and he's so in love with me for helping him and I'm just awesome. We start discussing this upcoming summer and the visiting arrangements. We decide I'll fly out to visit him for a few weeks, then we'll drive back together and he'll stay with me for a week or so. On this past Sunday, I give him his final powerpoint. He's over the moon with how awesome it is and how he knows he'll get a good grade on it and thank you so much for helping and I love you so much.
We talk again about 5 hours later. And his voice is completely different. I mention something about our relationship. He asks if that's what we're in. I reply that I thought so. He then proceeds to tell me that he's not in love with me. And I'm taken aback. Our previous conversations said something completely different. So either he's lying now or he's been lying to me before to get something... His powerpoints.
I call him out on it and he doesn't deny it. He said he still wants to be friends and I tell him no. It's not going to happen. I hang up. The next day he emails me saying we should calm down to talk rationally. I say there's nothing to talk about I'm moving on and not going to talk to him anymore because it hurts too much.
When he calls me that night, I don't answer. He keeps calling. Finally, I answer to tell him we're not going to be friends and we're not going to talk. It's over.
Obviously, I'm upset. Even though I'm the one who decided to move on and let him go, I'm upset. So I decide to go last night to a friend's house. W and I talk about things and he's very nice. He lets me cry and scream and hugs me and tells me things will be okay. And it's nice. He then offers me more than just hugs. And I take it. I don't know why. I'm lying on his roommate's bed with no sheets, in a purple and white room with the lights off having sex. And all I'm thinking about is the Twilight: Breaking Dawn movie I saw on Saturday. I feel nothing. I'm numb. When it's over, I get up, put on my jeans and my bra. I stuff one of my shirts into my purse and the other is button sluttily low. I grab my stuff and slink out the back door. I get in my car and all I can think is how it feels as if I cheated on my ex. I know I didn't. I know in my head we're not together, so what I did was perfectly justified. But I can't convince my heart.
I get home and put on my pjs. I'm empty and numb. I can't cry. I decide this will be a good time to pack up all the stuff he's given me. I turn on my favorite TV show, Gilmore Girls. I take a box and start with the pictures of us. Then the stuff I bought in Vegas with him. And the jewelry he gave me. Then he calls. And calls.
I call him back, I don't know why. He starts talking to me like it's a normal day and he didn't break my heart. I tell him I'm over it and I'm tired of everything. I tell him I am not talking to him anymore. He finally gets it, because he gets mad and says, "Okay, fine. I'm done." I say, "No. I'm done." And it's over.
I lay down on the bed and drift to sleep to the Gilmore Girls dvd (Season 4, a good season.) I wake up and turn the TV off. I turn off the lamp and go back to sleep. But sleep doesn't last long. It's a fitful night of sleep. I toss and turn, and turn and toss. I think of W and having sex. I think of my ex and how I wish he cared. I think of the daunting task of moving on. I think of having to tell people that we're no longer together. I think of how his Christmas gift is still being shipped to me so I could send it to him. I'm alone. I'm a loser. I'm a slut. I'm alone. And God, at this moment, I deserve it.
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