It's been a long time since I've written. Mostly just because I don't want to write about what's been going on. But I guess it's time...
In January of this year, my dad was rediagnosed with Mantle Cell Lymphoma. He'd had a stem cell transplant the year before, but it didn't work. The cancer was back, stage IV. At the end of April, he was struggling very much. He'd been in and out of the hospital since his rediagnosis and had found out the cancer was spreading. His primary oncologist said there was no use in continuing treatments for the cancer. All they could do was treat the symptoms.
On April 28, 2012, his secondary oncologist sat down with my mom and I and said that he only had a few days to a couple of weeks left... At the most 2 weeks. We were devastated. We started spending even more time at the hospital with him. On the 2nd of May my mother, father, and I all met with the funeral director (at the funeral home my dad chose) for my dad to plan his own funeral. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to sit through.
That Friday, May 4th, my father was released from the hospital to come home with hospice care. The next day, my nephew's 9th birthday, my friend Toviah, who's a photographer, came to my parent's house to take pictures for us. That would be my father's last good day.
The next couple of days, my dad was in pretty good spirits. His sisters came to visit, as did his friends from work. I was still going to work, telling my mother to call me if anything happened. On Tuesday, the hospice nurse came for the first visit. He decided my dad should put his oxygen on. It never came back off.
On Wednesday, before I got home from work, my fiance and my mom were there with my father. My dad tried to get up to go use the bathroom. He fell out of bed. Thank God my fiance was there and my dad's friend Randy had just arrived. The two of them put him back to bed. The next day, Thursday, he tried to get up again. He fell out of bed once more. My mom, sister, and I could not get him up. So the rescue squad was called and they picked him up and put him back in bed. He wouldn't get up again.
When I got home from work that evening, I went back to visit my dad. He wanted water, but couldn't drink with a straw because his mouth was so dry. After spooning a few mouthfuls of water into his mouth, he was able to use the straw. The next morning, I woke up and went back to see him. (I was staying at my parent's house so I would be close in case something happened.) He was thirsty. So I spooned a couple of drops of water into his mouth and then put the straw in. He couldn't use it. He had deteriorated to the point where he could no longer use a straw. I spooned him more water then left him alone to sleep.
I immediately called my boss and told her I wouldn't be in that day. It was 9:15 AM on Friday, May 11, 2012. I decided that I would quickly go take care of a pressing errand and spend the rest of the day with my family. So I left the house at 9:30ish. I had gotten about 5 minutes away when my sister called, telling me to come back immediately. I turned around as quickly as I could and went back. I arrived there at 9:43.
My mom was sitting next to my dad on their bed. My sister was on his other side. I sat by his feet. My mom was hugging him, my sister holding one hand. I grabbed the other. I felt like ice. I told my dad I was there. He said, "Plug me in! Plug me in!" referring to his oxygen. It was plugged in. My mom got up and turned it as high as it would go. He could feel it then.
We knew the end was close. We knew it was coming. And it was very peaceful for him, surrounded by his family. We told him we loved him. Then, after telling my mother he loved her, he was gone. It was 9:50.
My mother and I broke down in tears, knowing he was gone. We spent a few minutes sitting with him, crying. Then we knew the phone calls had to be made.
I'll write about the funeral and my engagement later, as well as all the details of my upcoming wedding. But for now, I want to talk about my dad.
He was literally the greatest person I've ever known. I'm not just saying that because he's gone. My dad was my hero. He was strong and tough and yet sensitive and friendly. He would help anyone, anytime, anywhere. He loved to laugh and tell jokes. He protected us and took care of us. And he faced his cancer with unwavering faith. He fought as hard as he could against the cancer ravaging his body. According to his doctors, most people with the type of cancer he had only lived 18 months after their first diagnosis. He lived almost 3 years because he refused to give in to it. He died still fighting to live.
I loved my dad very much. I will never forget him. Every day is hard to get through. Planning a wedding knowing my father will not be there to walk me down the aisle... That he won't be there for the father/daughter dance... It's hard. In fact, a lot of the wedding has been planned around his absence. I'm not a whole person without him. I cry pretty much daily because I miss him so much.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Text messages.
And now some text messages from my ex to me. Sent yesterday/today. No wonder I'm confused by this guy. (I'm gonna write it regular, cause I can't stand text speak.)
W- My family cares about you, and they don't wanna see you hurt yourself.
M- I've spent the entire day in bed. I'm not motivated to do anything other than cry. Thanks.
W- Hun, you gotta pick yourself up.
M- It's hard for me to pick myself up. It's easier for you. You wanted this. Seriously, why isn't this harder for you? Have you moved on that quickly?
W0 No, I haven't moved on that quicky. I'm just not letting myself feel. It wasn't that I was unhappy, I just couldn't bring myself to love you like you love me. And it was unfair to you.
M- Why couldn't you love me like I love you? You told me you loved me and want to be with me! Even a couple of days ago you told me that.
W- I didn't say I didn't love you. I couldn't love you like you love me. And that's my personal issue.
Later...
W- I care for you.
M- Why?
W- Cause I do.
M- I'm gonna be honest. I'm looking at moving away from here. Too many bad memories now. Are you happy now?
W- Not really.
M- Why?
W- Because. I want to be friends.
M- Just friends?
W- Hun, I don't know the future.
M- Ok. Do you see us together in the future?
W- I don't know. I'm not a seer than can see the future.
M- Well, what kind of friends do you want to be?
W- Just friends. Friends with benefits would be too complicated, at least for you?
M- Why?
W- Cause I know you. You can't shut off emotions.
M- You said you didn't like shutting off emotions. You said you liked making love to me.
W- Yeah, but I can do it either way.
Later...
W- I still care for you.
M- Do you still love me?
W- Yes.
M- Will you come visit me after my surgery?
W- Yes. I'll come visit you.
M- Thank you.
W- You're welcome.
I know for part of it, I was asking for it. But what's with all the "I still care about you"s and stuff? I'm confused. I miss him very much. At the same time, why am I still talking to him?
W- My family cares about you, and they don't wanna see you hurt yourself.
M- I've spent the entire day in bed. I'm not motivated to do anything other than cry. Thanks.
W- Hun, you gotta pick yourself up.
M- It's hard for me to pick myself up. It's easier for you. You wanted this. Seriously, why isn't this harder for you? Have you moved on that quickly?
W0 No, I haven't moved on that quicky. I'm just not letting myself feel. It wasn't that I was unhappy, I just couldn't bring myself to love you like you love me. And it was unfair to you.
M- Why couldn't you love me like I love you? You told me you loved me and want to be with me! Even a couple of days ago you told me that.
W- I didn't say I didn't love you. I couldn't love you like you love me. And that's my personal issue.
Later...
W- I care for you.
M- Why?
W- Cause I do.
M- I'm gonna be honest. I'm looking at moving away from here. Too many bad memories now. Are you happy now?
W- Not really.
M- Why?
W- Because. I want to be friends.
M- Just friends?
W- Hun, I don't know the future.
M- Ok. Do you see us together in the future?
W- I don't know. I'm not a seer than can see the future.
M- Well, what kind of friends do you want to be?
W- Just friends. Friends with benefits would be too complicated, at least for you?
M- Why?
W- Cause I know you. You can't shut off emotions.
M- You said you didn't like shutting off emotions. You said you liked making love to me.
W- Yeah, but I can do it either way.
Later...
W- I still care for you.
M- Do you still love me?
W- Yes.
M- Will you come visit me after my surgery?
W- Yes. I'll come visit you.
M- Thank you.
W- You're welcome.
I know for part of it, I was asking for it. But what's with all the "I still care about you"s and stuff? I'm confused. I miss him very much. At the same time, why am I still talking to him?
The Truth.
I was going to write a whole post about how I came to know this information and everything, but I've realized it's not important. Well, it is, but the information is more important than how I came to find out. I'm not making sense. Let me just put it out there.
He cheated.
And not only did he cheat on me with one girl (which would be bad enough) he cheated on me with two girls. At the same time. A month ago.
Well, damn. I feel like a fool. I loved him. I loved him. I still love him. And he fucked some other girls.
The way I found out, by the way, is one of the girls he cheated on me with called me to tell me. I was shocked and upset. Immediately I hung up. Apparently the girl called him, because he called me. And he admitted to it. And also told me that if the girl hadn't called me, I would have never found out.
During all this, he has admitted that he still loves me and wants to be with me. Can you confuse me anymore, dude?
Obviously, I haven't been dealing with this very well. I spent Tuesday (I found out late Monday night/Tuesday morning) and Wednesday being pissed. Very pissed. He told me Wednesday to please not tell his mom because she'd kick his ass. I texted his sister and told her. And his sister told his mom. Technically, I didn't do it. His mom facebook messaged me and said her son was a stupid ass and I would have been a good daughter-in-law. His sister texted me that her dumbass brother is a whore.
Thursday I wasn't mad. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't happy. I was confused and hurt. I guess the shock and pissed-ness had worn off. I'm deep in the depression and hurt now. I'm trying to claw my way out. It's just hard.
People keep telling me how I should feel/what I should do/what I should think. But they don't get it. They're not me. They're not in my shoes. Admittedly, I've done some stupid stuff since I found out that he cheated on me. I have. And I know they're stupid.
I'll be honest, I've got some pretty deep cuts on my leg. I was so hurt by everything that I got a boxcutter (not smart) and cut until I couldn't feel anything. At the same time I was drinking. I've had a lot of alcohol since I found out. And pills.
I've always had trouble sleeping. Always. But it's been worse. I've had maybe 4 hours of sleep since Monday. One night, I guess it was Thursday (I think... Days are all the same) I took 2 ambien, 3 tylenol pm, and a percocet. Still couldn't sleep.
Thursday night was bad. It was. That's when the cutting happened. And the pills. And a bulk of the drinking. I did something stupid (well, something else stupid). I sent my ex a picture of my bloody leg. He texted me back, "what the fuck did you do that for?!?!?!?" Then he called to tell me I was stupid. I didn't disagree.
He told his sister. Who texted me and bitched me out. And I didn't care. I don't care. It's Sunday afternoon at 1:30 and I've spent the entire weekend in my pajamas in bed. I haven't felt like talking to anyone. I haven't felt like doing anything. Except cry. The TV has been on. Can't tell you what was on the TV. His sister texted me. I texted her back. He texted me. Whatever. I updated my facebook status telling people to please leave me alone and let me deal with things my own way.
I'm broken. He wins. He broke me like I think he was trying to do all along. Fine. With everything else going on in my life at the moment, this was the last thing I needed. The last thing. And I'm done trying to be strong. I can't do it anymore.
He cheated.
And not only did he cheat on me with one girl (which would be bad enough) he cheated on me with two girls. At the same time. A month ago.
Well, damn. I feel like a fool. I loved him. I loved him. I still love him. And he fucked some other girls.
The way I found out, by the way, is one of the girls he cheated on me with called me to tell me. I was shocked and upset. Immediately I hung up. Apparently the girl called him, because he called me. And he admitted to it. And also told me that if the girl hadn't called me, I would have never found out.
During all this, he has admitted that he still loves me and wants to be with me. Can you confuse me anymore, dude?
Obviously, I haven't been dealing with this very well. I spent Tuesday (I found out late Monday night/Tuesday morning) and Wednesday being pissed. Very pissed. He told me Wednesday to please not tell his mom because she'd kick his ass. I texted his sister and told her. And his sister told his mom. Technically, I didn't do it. His mom facebook messaged me and said her son was a stupid ass and I would have been a good daughter-in-law. His sister texted me that her dumbass brother is a whore.
Thursday I wasn't mad. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't happy. I was confused and hurt. I guess the shock and pissed-ness had worn off. I'm deep in the depression and hurt now. I'm trying to claw my way out. It's just hard.
People keep telling me how I should feel/what I should do/what I should think. But they don't get it. They're not me. They're not in my shoes. Admittedly, I've done some stupid stuff since I found out that he cheated on me. I have. And I know they're stupid.
I'll be honest, I've got some pretty deep cuts on my leg. I was so hurt by everything that I got a boxcutter (not smart) and cut until I couldn't feel anything. At the same time I was drinking. I've had a lot of alcohol since I found out. And pills.
I've always had trouble sleeping. Always. But it's been worse. I've had maybe 4 hours of sleep since Monday. One night, I guess it was Thursday (I think... Days are all the same) I took 2 ambien, 3 tylenol pm, and a percocet. Still couldn't sleep.
Thursday night was bad. It was. That's when the cutting happened. And the pills. And a bulk of the drinking. I did something stupid (well, something else stupid). I sent my ex a picture of my bloody leg. He texted me back, "what the fuck did you do that for?!?!?!?" Then he called to tell me I was stupid. I didn't disagree.
He told his sister. Who texted me and bitched me out. And I didn't care. I don't care. It's Sunday afternoon at 1:30 and I've spent the entire weekend in my pajamas in bed. I haven't felt like talking to anyone. I haven't felt like doing anything. Except cry. The TV has been on. Can't tell you what was on the TV. His sister texted me. I texted her back. He texted me. Whatever. I updated my facebook status telling people to please leave me alone and let me deal with things my own way.
I'm broken. He wins. He broke me like I think he was trying to do all along. Fine. With everything else going on in my life at the moment, this was the last thing I needed. The last thing. And I'm done trying to be strong. I can't do it anymore.
Monday, March 5, 2012
iwantababy
Yes, yes, I do. I want a baby. I want one now. The thing that sucks is my ex and I were actively trying to have a baby. We had been trying since January to get pregnant. If not for the fact that I was on really strong meds and sick (2 minor surgeries, 2 ER visits) I believe I'd be knocked up now. We decided together that we wanted a child. So we did the whole thing. The whole ovulation-and-temperatures-and-position-legs on the wall-thing. I monitored everything. And, this last time, my period was 11 days late. Unfortunately, when I took the pregnancy test (I swear I took about 6 of them in 2 months) it was negative. I got my period 2 days later.
What else sucks is that we had picked out baby names. And now I can't use them. We had 4 names picked. 2 boys, 2 girls. We both wanted a girl. Harper Elizabeth. Or a boy, Samuel James. Lily Nicole. Joseph Henry. Those were our names. But now....
I guess it's a good thing that I'm not pregnant. We're not together.
He texted me earlier. I had written on facebook last night "'Moving on in simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.' Ending relationships is hard, especially when you still love the other person. I wish you nothing but the best with everything in your life." He commented that he still loves me, too, and there's someone better for me out there. Okay, whatever.
Today was a snow day, but I went into work, anyway. It was nice. With my boss out of town (her grandfather passed away) I'm in charge. So I had some stuff to do. I loved being at work by myself. I got to blast my music (all the songs from my "fuck you" playlist) and sing along loudly. It was fun.
There's this park in my town and I love it. There's a waterfall and a path going down to it. It's a little bit of a hike, but so pretty. It's worth it. I love to go and hike to the waterfall. There are rocks next to it and I sit there and think. Unfortunately, with all the rain we've had lately, the path is flooded. So I sat on a bench next to the lake/waterfall instead. Still nice.
W texted me this evening. Just to say he was sorry and that he hoped we could still be friends. Um....? He said he doesn't know what he wants and is confused and is trying not to listen to his heart. Well, fine then. Whatever. I told him that he really hurt me and I needed time to decide if I could be his friend. I then texted his sister (I truly love her like she is my own sister) to get her address to mail his stuff to him. I don't want to see him and I don't want to talk to him really. He can always swing by his parents' house and get his stuff.
I'm all over the place tonight. I'm going to miss his family. His mom told me that I was a welcome addition to their family. I adore his sister, who's 17. His cousin, L, is stupid and funny. And his parents are amazing. I loved spending time with them. I'm really going to miss them. And him. And his friend, J. J is the sweetest woman. That's what sucks about relationships. All the people you lose.
What's funny is we were actually planning our wedding. I mean, we were already trying to have a baby. Why not plan a wedding, too? My bestie was obviously going to be my maid (matron) of honor. His sister was going to be my bridesmaid. His friend, K, was going to be his best man. Our wedding colors were purple and blue. We were going to get married in his hometown next to the river. We were going to invite 75-100 people.
We were looking for an apartment. We were going to move in together. It wasn't a big deal. We spent all our time together anyway. Things were falling into place. We were happy.
Then, all of a sudden, he wasn't. He started spending more time with his stupid, loser friends and more time partying. I was "nagging" him and I was "needy." He went out of his way to say things to hurt me. I went out of my way to point out he was being an asshole (which he freely admitted). He hurt me a lot, with things he said. So, yesterday, I got tired of it. I got tired of him being an asshole and being mean. I got tired of crying and being hurt. So I told him if I didn't make him happy anymore, fine. Just don't be with me. And, just like that, our relationship was over.
How are we supposed to be friends after this? After our life together was planned out? How am I supposed to talk to him casually when he was there for me through my dad's cancer coming back and my surgeries (big surgery in 23 days!) and my grandmother dying? How am I supposed to look at him when all I can see is us together? I don't know if I can do it.
What else sucks is that we had picked out baby names. And now I can't use them. We had 4 names picked. 2 boys, 2 girls. We both wanted a girl. Harper Elizabeth. Or a boy, Samuel James. Lily Nicole. Joseph Henry. Those were our names. But now....
I guess it's a good thing that I'm not pregnant. We're not together.
He texted me earlier. I had written on facebook last night "'Moving on in simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.' Ending relationships is hard, especially when you still love the other person. I wish you nothing but the best with everything in your life." He commented that he still loves me, too, and there's someone better for me out there. Okay, whatever.
Today was a snow day, but I went into work, anyway. It was nice. With my boss out of town (her grandfather passed away) I'm in charge. So I had some stuff to do. I loved being at work by myself. I got to blast my music (all the songs from my "fuck you" playlist) and sing along loudly. It was fun.
There's this park in my town and I love it. There's a waterfall and a path going down to it. It's a little bit of a hike, but so pretty. It's worth it. I love to go and hike to the waterfall. There are rocks next to it and I sit there and think. Unfortunately, with all the rain we've had lately, the path is flooded. So I sat on a bench next to the lake/waterfall instead. Still nice.
W texted me this evening. Just to say he was sorry and that he hoped we could still be friends. Um....? He said he doesn't know what he wants and is confused and is trying not to listen to his heart. Well, fine then. Whatever. I told him that he really hurt me and I needed time to decide if I could be his friend. I then texted his sister (I truly love her like she is my own sister) to get her address to mail his stuff to him. I don't want to see him and I don't want to talk to him really. He can always swing by his parents' house and get his stuff.
I'm all over the place tonight. I'm going to miss his family. His mom told me that I was a welcome addition to their family. I adore his sister, who's 17. His cousin, L, is stupid and funny. And his parents are amazing. I loved spending time with them. I'm really going to miss them. And him. And his friend, J. J is the sweetest woman. That's what sucks about relationships. All the people you lose.
What's funny is we were actually planning our wedding. I mean, we were already trying to have a baby. Why not plan a wedding, too? My bestie was obviously going to be my maid (matron) of honor. His sister was going to be my bridesmaid. His friend, K, was going to be his best man. Our wedding colors were purple and blue. We were going to get married in his hometown next to the river. We were going to invite 75-100 people.
We were looking for an apartment. We were going to move in together. It wasn't a big deal. We spent all our time together anyway. Things were falling into place. We were happy.
Then, all of a sudden, he wasn't. He started spending more time with his stupid, loser friends and more time partying. I was "nagging" him and I was "needy." He went out of his way to say things to hurt me. I went out of my way to point out he was being an asshole (which he freely admitted). He hurt me a lot, with things he said. So, yesterday, I got tired of it. I got tired of him being an asshole and being mean. I got tired of crying and being hurt. So I told him if I didn't make him happy anymore, fine. Just don't be with me. And, just like that, our relationship was over.
How are we supposed to be friends after this? After our life together was planned out? How am I supposed to talk to him casually when he was there for me through my dad's cancer coming back and my surgeries (big surgery in 23 days!) and my grandmother dying? How am I supposed to look at him when all I can see is us together? I don't know if I can do it.
Ha. After reading over my past few blog posts, I realized I hadn't even written about being in a relationship. And now that relationship is over. I pretty much figured it was over the other day (Wednesday, I believe) when I left my best friend the tearful message, "Hey girl. I'm ok. I just think I hate my boyfriend." After realizing that, how good can a relationship really be?
The thing is, I loved (love) this guy, W. I really do (did). And I thought he loved me. Yes, he was significantly younger (5.5 years) and yes, we had some issues. But we were working through them. Or so I thought. The thing that happened were his stupid friends.
I hated his friends. They were young, like him. But stupid. I called them his stupid, loser friends. They all had kids (not that that's a bad thing) and do drugs and party and drink all the time. They steal things from one store and return them to another, just to make money to drink and party. Stupid.
W had this one friend, let's call her A, and she bothered me so much. She ended up staying at his place for a few weeks. And they slept in the same bed. And he didn't tell me. I guessed after finding out she was staying there. (He didn't tell me that, either.) And he didn't understand why it bothered me that he was sleeping (not having sex, sleeping) with another woman.
During this time, his grandfather was in the hospital. W called me one day and said his grandfather wasn't doing well. I offered to come to the hospital to be with him. His response? "I don't need you to. I've got A." Um, wtf? I didn't understand that. He later told me that if he and I weren't together, he'd try being with her. Thanks for that. I didn't need to know.
On top of her bothering me, I found out she's a truly crappy mother. She has a son who's 4 or 5 (I've been around her numerous times and didn't even know she had a kid!) and she has him at parties with drugs and alcohol. That's awful. I would never do that to my kids.
I don't know how I went from talking about my relationship ending to complaining about his friends. Oh well. I just saw on facebook he changed his relationship status to "single." That sucks. Of course, I changed mine last night.
I'm way off track. And I'm getting depressed just writing about this. I've managed to go 20 minutes now not crying. I don't want to cry. I'm all over the place. I'll finish (or continue) my breakup story later.
The thing is, I loved (love) this guy, W. I really do (did). And I thought he loved me. Yes, he was significantly younger (5.5 years) and yes, we had some issues. But we were working through them. Or so I thought. The thing that happened were his stupid friends.
I hated his friends. They were young, like him. But stupid. I called them his stupid, loser friends. They all had kids (not that that's a bad thing) and do drugs and party and drink all the time. They steal things from one store and return them to another, just to make money to drink and party. Stupid.
W had this one friend, let's call her A, and she bothered me so much. She ended up staying at his place for a few weeks. And they slept in the same bed. And he didn't tell me. I guessed after finding out she was staying there. (He didn't tell me that, either.) And he didn't understand why it bothered me that he was sleeping (not having sex, sleeping) with another woman.
During this time, his grandfather was in the hospital. W called me one day and said his grandfather wasn't doing well. I offered to come to the hospital to be with him. His response? "I don't need you to. I've got A." Um, wtf? I didn't understand that. He later told me that if he and I weren't together, he'd try being with her. Thanks for that. I didn't need to know.
On top of her bothering me, I found out she's a truly crappy mother. She has a son who's 4 or 5 (I've been around her numerous times and didn't even know she had a kid!) and she has him at parties with drugs and alcohol. That's awful. I would never do that to my kids.
I don't know how I went from talking about my relationship ending to complaining about his friends. Oh well. I just saw on facebook he changed his relationship status to "single." That sucks. Of course, I changed mine last night.
I'm way off track. And I'm getting depressed just writing about this. I've managed to go 20 minutes now not crying. I don't want to cry. I'm all over the place. I'll finish (or continue) my breakup story later.
My Top 10 Fuck You Breakup Songs
I'm going through a breakup. And usually I'm the girl who wallows (and trust me, I have a list of wallowing songs as well,) but this time he treated me badly and I just want to say "fuck you" to him. I loved him very much, but he used me and was an asshole to me. So this is my fuck you to him. I ♥ these songs.
10. "Rolling In The Deep"- Adele. How can you have a list of breakup songs and not include Adele on it? She's the new poster girl for breakups. I love this song. Funny story, when it first came out, I hated it. I had a toothache and her voice made my tooth hurt very badly. But, after I got my wisdom tooth out, I learned to love this song. My favorite line in this song is, "See how I'll leave, with every piece of you/ Don't underestimate the things that I will do." Go on, Adele.
9. "Irreplaceable"- Beyonce. Usually I'm not a fan of Beyonce. I know, I know. But it's true. But this song, damn. She's got it going
on. In the song, she's kicking her man out on his ass 'cause he's cheating on her. And she won't stand for it. She makes him leave
anything she bought. She tells him "Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable." My favorite line in the song? "So
since I’m not your everything/ How about I’ll be nothing, nothing at all to you/ Baby I won’t shed a tear for you, I won’t lose a wink of
sleep/ ‘Cause the truth of the matter is replacing you is so easy."
8. "Fighter"- Christina Aguilera. Okay, I know this song is older. But I love it. It will always help me through a breakup. Pretty much
the song is about Christina Aguilera's ex, who stole money from her. I can't really remember the details. But it's a good song. She
says she thought she knew the guy and he was true to her, but he was lying and his greed sold him out. Then she says he probably
thinks she resents him and all she really wants is to thank him. I love that the song isn't about crying or being heartbroken, but using
that to make yourself a stronger person, a fighter. The chorus is the best in this song, "Makes me that much stronger/ Makes me
work a little bit harder/ It makes me that much wiser/ So thanks for making me a fighter/ Made me learn a little bit faster/ Made my
skin a little bit thicker/ Makes me that much smarter/ So thanks for making me a fighter."
7. "Gives You Hell"- All American Rejects. Another great song. It's about the lead singer of AAR and his ex girlfriend. Rumor is that she
wanted him to settle down (hence the "Where's your picket fence, love/ And where's that shiny car/ And did it ever get you far" line).
He wanted to go forward with his music career. And it's a damn good thing he did. Best line to me is, "Truth be told I miss you/ And
truth be told I'm lying." Yeah, fuck you.
6. "Fuck You"- Cee Lo Green. How can you have a list of fuck you songs and not include "Fuck You"? This song is about a guy who's
girlfriend leaves for another guy with more money. He's telling her and her new boyfriend, "fuck you." My favorite line in the song is
simple. "I pity the fool that falls in love with you." Ouch.
5. "A Friendly Goodbye"- Bowling For Soup. I included this song in my list of "fuck you" songs because Bowling For Soup (BFS) is my
favorite band and they're, in my opinion, sadly underrated. This song is an upbeat, catchy song. From the title, you would assume
that it's friendly. You'd assume wrong. It's about a breakup, obviously. The guy's girlfriend didn't like it when he swore, so he says to
her, "Ain't that a 'b' with an itch/ Ain't that a mother trucker/ You can go to h-e-double hockey sticks/ And f yourself/ Cause I'm
flippin' gosh darn sick/ Of all the 's' word you put me through/ So f-u/ F-u." I think my favorite line is "And I really don't have anything
else nice to say/ So f-u/ F-u." Great, great song.
4. "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)/FURB" mashup- Eamon and Frankee. Eamon's "Fuck It" came out in 2003. It's a song about a guy
who gets cheated on by his girlfriend. Instead of getting emotional and sad, he says he doesn't want her back. Best line in the song?
The chorus. "Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now/ Fuck the presents might as well throw 'em out/ Fuck all those kisses, they
didn't mean jack/ Fuck you, you ho, I don't want you back." Of course, the backlash of the song was enormous. So Frankee (who
claimed to be Eamon's ex) decided to write a response song from the perspective of the girl. The chorus to "FURB" is, "Fuck what I
did, was your fault somehow/ Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out/ Fuck all the cryin' it didn't mean jack/ Well, guess what yo,
fuck you right back."
3. "Mean"- Taylor Swift. Now I know just hearing the name Taylor Swift, you would not think of a fuck you song. But this song is
mean, like the title said. The song is about a guy who is mean. So Ms. Swift decides to call him out on his meanness and his life. So
she tells him he has a voice like nails on a chalkboard and tells wild-fire lies and humiliates people. She then turns the song around to
him, saying he probably got pushed around and someone made him cold. Then she says she's not going down the same road and that
someday she'll be living in a big city, but all the guy ever will be is mean. Then Taylor Swift looks to the future and says he'll be the
same way he is now, washed up and ranting, but no one will listen. The best line in the song, to me, is, "All you are is mean. And a
liar. And pathetic. And alone in life. And mean." Geez, Taylor Swift, you really think he's mean?
2. "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)- Kelly Clarkson. I know she's probably most known for American Idol (season 1 winner) or that
song "Breakaway" (remember when that was overplayed on the radio?), but this is probably one of my favorites by her. Pretty much
the song is about a girl who gets treated badly by her guy. And she leaves him. Just like that. This is one song where there's
numerous great lines. One is, "Think you left me broken down/ Think you had the last laugh/ Think that I'd come running back/ Baby,
you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong." And then the chorus is phenomenal. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger/ Stand
a little taller/ Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone/ What doesn't kill you makes a fighter/ Footsteps even lighter/ Doesn't mean I'm
over cause you're gone." Love it. Exactly. Just because you're single doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely. Thank you, Kelly
Clarkson. Another good line? "You know in the end the day I left was just my beginning... in the end..."
1. "I Will Survive"- Gloria Gaynor. Of course this song is number one. There is nothing more "fuck you" empowering than this song.
She lays that guy out. I love it. And, because this song is number one, here's the whole song.
First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me
I hope you guys enjoy my list. Let me know if there's any songs you think I should add to my list!
10. "Rolling In The Deep"- Adele. How can you have a list of breakup songs and not include Adele on it? She's the new poster girl for breakups. I love this song. Funny story, when it first came out, I hated it. I had a toothache and her voice made my tooth hurt very badly. But, after I got my wisdom tooth out, I learned to love this song. My favorite line in this song is, "See how I'll leave, with every piece of you/ Don't underestimate the things that I will do." Go on, Adele.
9. "Irreplaceable"- Beyonce. Usually I'm not a fan of Beyonce. I know, I know. But it's true. But this song, damn. She's got it going
on. In the song, she's kicking her man out on his ass 'cause he's cheating on her. And she won't stand for it. She makes him leave
anything she bought. She tells him "Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable." My favorite line in the song? "So
since I’m not your everything/ How about I’ll be nothing, nothing at all to you/ Baby I won’t shed a tear for you, I won’t lose a wink of
sleep/ ‘Cause the truth of the matter is replacing you is so easy."
8. "Fighter"- Christina Aguilera. Okay, I know this song is older. But I love it. It will always help me through a breakup. Pretty much
the song is about Christina Aguilera's ex, who stole money from her. I can't really remember the details. But it's a good song. She
says she thought she knew the guy and he was true to her, but he was lying and his greed sold him out. Then she says he probably
thinks she resents him and all she really wants is to thank him. I love that the song isn't about crying or being heartbroken, but using
that to make yourself a stronger person, a fighter. The chorus is the best in this song, "Makes me that much stronger/ Makes me
work a little bit harder/ It makes me that much wiser/ So thanks for making me a fighter/ Made me learn a little bit faster/ Made my
skin a little bit thicker/ Makes me that much smarter/ So thanks for making me a fighter."
7. "Gives You Hell"- All American Rejects. Another great song. It's about the lead singer of AAR and his ex girlfriend. Rumor is that she
wanted him to settle down (hence the "Where's your picket fence, love/ And where's that shiny car/ And did it ever get you far" line).
He wanted to go forward with his music career. And it's a damn good thing he did. Best line to me is, "Truth be told I miss you/ And
truth be told I'm lying." Yeah, fuck you.
6. "Fuck You"- Cee Lo Green. How can you have a list of fuck you songs and not include "Fuck You"? This song is about a guy who's
girlfriend leaves for another guy with more money. He's telling her and her new boyfriend, "fuck you." My favorite line in the song is
simple. "I pity the fool that falls in love with you." Ouch.
5. "A Friendly Goodbye"- Bowling For Soup. I included this song in my list of "fuck you" songs because Bowling For Soup (BFS) is my
favorite band and they're, in my opinion, sadly underrated. This song is an upbeat, catchy song. From the title, you would assume
that it's friendly. You'd assume wrong. It's about a breakup, obviously. The guy's girlfriend didn't like it when he swore, so he says to
her, "Ain't that a 'b' with an itch/ Ain't that a mother trucker/ You can go to h-e-double hockey sticks/ And f yourself/ Cause I'm
flippin' gosh darn sick/ Of all the 's' word you put me through/ So f-u/ F-u." I think my favorite line is "And I really don't have anything
else nice to say/ So f-u/ F-u." Great, great song.
4. "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)/FURB" mashup- Eamon and Frankee. Eamon's "Fuck It" came out in 2003. It's a song about a guy
who gets cheated on by his girlfriend. Instead of getting emotional and sad, he says he doesn't want her back. Best line in the song?
The chorus. "Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now/ Fuck the presents might as well throw 'em out/ Fuck all those kisses, they
didn't mean jack/ Fuck you, you ho, I don't want you back." Of course, the backlash of the song was enormous. So Frankee (who
claimed to be Eamon's ex) decided to write a response song from the perspective of the girl. The chorus to "FURB" is, "Fuck what I
did, was your fault somehow/ Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out/ Fuck all the cryin' it didn't mean jack/ Well, guess what yo,
fuck you right back."
3. "Mean"- Taylor Swift. Now I know just hearing the name Taylor Swift, you would not think of a fuck you song. But this song is
mean, like the title said. The song is about a guy who is mean. So Ms. Swift decides to call him out on his meanness and his life. So
she tells him he has a voice like nails on a chalkboard and tells wild-fire lies and humiliates people. She then turns the song around to
him, saying he probably got pushed around and someone made him cold. Then she says she's not going down the same road and that
someday she'll be living in a big city, but all the guy ever will be is mean. Then Taylor Swift looks to the future and says he'll be the
same way he is now, washed up and ranting, but no one will listen. The best line in the song, to me, is, "All you are is mean. And a
liar. And pathetic. And alone in life. And mean." Geez, Taylor Swift, you really think he's mean?
2. "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)- Kelly Clarkson. I know she's probably most known for American Idol (season 1 winner) or that
song "Breakaway" (remember when that was overplayed on the radio?), but this is probably one of my favorites by her. Pretty much
the song is about a girl who gets treated badly by her guy. And she leaves him. Just like that. This is one song where there's
numerous great lines. One is, "Think you left me broken down/ Think you had the last laugh/ Think that I'd come running back/ Baby,
you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong." And then the chorus is phenomenal. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger/ Stand
a little taller/ Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone/ What doesn't kill you makes a fighter/ Footsteps even lighter/ Doesn't mean I'm
over cause you're gone." Love it. Exactly. Just because you're single doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely. Thank you, Kelly
Clarkson. Another good line? "You know in the end the day I left was just my beginning... in the end..."
1. "I Will Survive"- Gloria Gaynor. Of course this song is number one. There is nothing more "fuck you" empowering than this song.
She lays that guy out. I love it. And, because this song is number one, here's the whole song.
First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me
I hope you guys enjoy my list. Let me know if there's any songs you think I should add to my list!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Ho, ho, ho.
I feel like a whore. And, according to my ex, I kind of am. And I can't even argue with him because I've been sleeping with another guy. I feel like I'm cheating on my ex with this other guy. But I've already been through this in a previous post.
Moving on. Friday evening W and I hung out again. Which obviously means that we had sex again. And it was different this time. The first time was (for him, of course, since I was empty) purely physical. The second time felt different. Then, on Saturday, I had some errands to run. Some shopping and I had to go to work to make sure that I hadn't left the hot glue gun on. (Visions of the building burned to the ground were etched in my head.) Anyway, I wanted some company, so I called W to go with me. He had texted me that morning and said he had something important to talk to me about. I asked him what he needed to talk to me about. He said he wanted to do it face to face. So we're riding to work and I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about. He said he just wanted me to know I was a good person and he cared about me and wanted to cheer me up. I was like, "okay."
This is a long story for not even getting to the point yet. We went out to lunch after I finished at work. It was nice sitting around and chatting. We talked about sex and how the sex the night before was good. Afterwards, we go back to his apartment. We sit around talking. He mentioned then that, if he wasn't talking to some other girl or trying to talk to some other girl, that he would see where we would go. As in relationship-wise. I'm like, "um... We're just friends." So we're talking and he looks at me and asks me to kiss him. I say, "No. We can have sex, but we can't kiss.. We just can't." Probably because I've seen Pretty Woman many times and it was her rule in the movie. We talk some more and he starts telling me about his past and some painful memories. We're lying on the bed together, cuddling. We're talking abbout trust and how we trust each other. We're moving closer and closer. And, God dammit, something in me wants to kiss him. So I move to kiss him and he rejcts me. I ask him why. He says because when he went to kiss me before I didn't want to. I tell him to just kiss me. And he does.
That was a long paragraph. So we're kissing and he tells me that the night before he put emotions (which was forbidden) into the sex. I said I did, too. We lie around and kiss and stuff. Then, of course, we have sex again. And it was good. Really good. Really really good.
There's more to this story, but I'm tired. To be continued.
Moving on. Friday evening W and I hung out again. Which obviously means that we had sex again. And it was different this time. The first time was (for him, of course, since I was empty) purely physical. The second time felt different. Then, on Saturday, I had some errands to run. Some shopping and I had to go to work to make sure that I hadn't left the hot glue gun on. (Visions of the building burned to the ground were etched in my head.) Anyway, I wanted some company, so I called W to go with me. He had texted me that morning and said he had something important to talk to me about. I asked him what he needed to talk to me about. He said he wanted to do it face to face. So we're riding to work and I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about. He said he just wanted me to know I was a good person and he cared about me and wanted to cheer me up. I was like, "okay."
This is a long story for not even getting to the point yet. We went out to lunch after I finished at work. It was nice sitting around and chatting. We talked about sex and how the sex the night before was good. Afterwards, we go back to his apartment. We sit around talking. He mentioned then that, if he wasn't talking to some other girl or trying to talk to some other girl, that he would see where we would go. As in relationship-wise. I'm like, "um... We're just friends." So we're talking and he looks at me and asks me to kiss him. I say, "No. We can have sex, but we can't kiss.. We just can't." Probably because I've seen Pretty Woman many times and it was her rule in the movie. We talk some more and he starts telling me about his past and some painful memories. We're lying on the bed together, cuddling. We're talking abbout trust and how we trust each other. We're moving closer and closer. And, God dammit, something in me wants to kiss him. So I move to kiss him and he rejcts me. I ask him why. He says because when he went to kiss me before I didn't want to. I tell him to just kiss me. And he does.
That was a long paragraph. So we're kissing and he tells me that the night before he put emotions (which was forbidden) into the sex. I said I did, too. We lie around and kiss and stuff. Then, of course, we have sex again. And it was good. Really good. Really really good.
There's more to this story, but I'm tired. To be continued.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
FURB
Well, I guess there's nothing like a breakup to kick a girl into blogging overdrive. Two blog posts in a week, wow. All in all, I'm doing okay. I'm not crying as much as I was. Only problem besides missing my ex so intently I could yell is the hookup guy is still texting and calling, wanting more. Ugh.
So back in the day, I used to write all the time. Nothing good, just strictly teen emotional poetry. I loved it. But since I've become an "adult" I've stopped writing. I guess another perk of heartbreak is it's fuel for my writing. I'm getting all my angst and heartache down on paper. Or, in this case, really bad parody of a probably awful song.
So I'm sure you're wondering what the song is. It's "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back) by Eamon. It's a song full of "fuck you" and anger. I actually prefer the mashup of Eamon's "Fuck It" and the response "Fuck You Right Back (FURB)" by Frankee. Below is my lyrics (I basically kept the same chorus, cause it fit my situation) and a link to the mashup. Enjoy :)
Eamon/Frankee "Fuck It/FURB" mashup
My lyrics:
No no no
See I don't know why
I loved you so bad
Even when
You were mad
I told you I wanted
To be with you forever
I thought I knew you better
I wanted to let you know
(How) I feel
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all those kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all those kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
You thought you could
Lie right to my face
You mean ass, you're a disgrace
You told me, that you'd always love me
Now you're takin it all back
Your ass is so whack, look elsehwere
Cause you're done with me
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all the kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all the kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
You always
Called me a pussy
You always told me
I was too emotionally crazy
Now it's over, and I guess that I am sad
It hurts real bad, but I can't sweat that
Cause I loved the prick
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all the kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
So back in the day, I used to write all the time. Nothing good, just strictly teen emotional poetry. I loved it. But since I've become an "adult" I've stopped writing. I guess another perk of heartbreak is it's fuel for my writing. I'm getting all my angst and heartache down on paper. Or, in this case, really bad parody of a probably awful song.
So I'm sure you're wondering what the song is. It's "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back) by Eamon. It's a song full of "fuck you" and anger. I actually prefer the mashup of Eamon's "Fuck It" and the response "Fuck You Right Back (FURB)" by Frankee. Below is my lyrics (I basically kept the same chorus, cause it fit my situation) and a link to the mashup. Enjoy :)
Eamon/Frankee "Fuck It/FURB" mashup
My lyrics:
No no no
See I don't know why
I loved you so bad
Even when
You were mad
I told you I wanted
To be with you forever
I thought I knew you better
I wanted to let you know
(How) I feel
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all those kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all those kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
You thought you could
Lie right to my face
You mean ass, you're a disgrace
You told me, that you'd always love me
Now you're takin it all back
Your ass is so whack, look elsehwere
Cause you're done with me
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all the kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all the kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
You always
Called me a pussy
You always told me
I was too emotionally crazy
Now it's over, and I guess that I am sad
It hurts real bad, but I can't sweat that
Cause I loved the prick
Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents
Might as well throw them out
Fuck all the kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you prick
I don't want you back
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Happy ho-lidays.
Once again, I suck at blogging. Pretty much the only time I remember to do it is when something is bothering me or I'm elated. At the moment, though, I'm pretty numb. And empty.
Let me just preface this by saying, there is no happy ending. And there never will be. I look at my friends and how happy they are and how easy it is for them to be in relationships. For me, it's not like that. It's hard for me to even just be happy. Over the last couple of months however, being happy has been nearly impossible.
My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years. The first year and a half was amazing. He was simply the greatest guy ever and we were very much in love. During this time, though, he moves away. Then, last October, he started doubting how he felt. So we broke up for a time. Then, after he realized he was still in love with me, we got back together and our relationship was back on track.
This is when the wedding planning began. And it was good. We were happy. Then I visited him. And he apparently decided then that I was too emotional for him to be with. So we broke up again. But still talked every day and emailed and texted and didn't date other people. Not a good breakup because I still had hopes. And he knew that.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving 2011. He and I are talking and he tells me he's still in love with me and wants to be with me. Awesome, right? So things are good. He mentions he needs help with some schoolwork (he's in school to be a teacher) so I help him out. I do 2 powerpoint presentations for him. He tells me I'm a saint and he's so in love with me for helping him and I'm just awesome. We start discussing this upcoming summer and the visiting arrangements. We decide I'll fly out to visit him for a few weeks, then we'll drive back together and he'll stay with me for a week or so. On this past Sunday, I give him his final powerpoint. He's over the moon with how awesome it is and how he knows he'll get a good grade on it and thank you so much for helping and I love you so much.
We talk again about 5 hours later. And his voice is completely different. I mention something about our relationship. He asks if that's what we're in. I reply that I thought so. He then proceeds to tell me that he's not in love with me. And I'm taken aback. Our previous conversations said something completely different. So either he's lying now or he's been lying to me before to get something... His powerpoints.
I call him out on it and he doesn't deny it. He said he still wants to be friends and I tell him no. It's not going to happen. I hang up. The next day he emails me saying we should calm down to talk rationally. I say there's nothing to talk about I'm moving on and not going to talk to him anymore because it hurts too much.
When he calls me that night, I don't answer. He keeps calling. Finally, I answer to tell him we're not going to be friends and we're not going to talk. It's over.
Obviously, I'm upset. Even though I'm the one who decided to move on and let him go, I'm upset. So I decide to go last night to a friend's house. W and I talk about things and he's very nice. He lets me cry and scream and hugs me and tells me things will be okay. And it's nice. He then offers me more than just hugs. And I take it. I don't know why. I'm lying on his roommate's bed with no sheets, in a purple and white room with the lights off having sex. And all I'm thinking about is the Twilight: Breaking Dawn movie I saw on Saturday. I feel nothing. I'm numb. When it's over, I get up, put on my jeans and my bra. I stuff one of my shirts into my purse and the other is button sluttily low. I grab my stuff and slink out the back door. I get in my car and all I can think is how it feels as if I cheated on my ex. I know I didn't. I know in my head we're not together, so what I did was perfectly justified. But I can't convince my heart.
I get home and put on my pjs. I'm empty and numb. I can't cry. I decide this will be a good time to pack up all the stuff he's given me. I turn on my favorite TV show, Gilmore Girls. I take a box and start with the pictures of us. Then the stuff I bought in Vegas with him. And the jewelry he gave me. Then he calls. And calls.
I call him back, I don't know why. He starts talking to me like it's a normal day and he didn't break my heart. I tell him I'm over it and I'm tired of everything. I tell him I am not talking to him anymore. He finally gets it, because he gets mad and says, "Okay, fine. I'm done." I say, "No. I'm done." And it's over.
I lay down on the bed and drift to sleep to the Gilmore Girls dvd (Season 4, a good season.) I wake up and turn the TV off. I turn off the lamp and go back to sleep. But sleep doesn't last long. It's a fitful night of sleep. I toss and turn, and turn and toss. I think of W and having sex. I think of my ex and how I wish he cared. I think of the daunting task of moving on. I think of having to tell people that we're no longer together. I think of how his Christmas gift is still being shipped to me so I could send it to him. I'm alone. I'm a loser. I'm a slut. I'm alone. And God, at this moment, I deserve it.
Let me just preface this by saying, there is no happy ending. And there never will be. I look at my friends and how happy they are and how easy it is for them to be in relationships. For me, it's not like that. It's hard for me to even just be happy. Over the last couple of months however, being happy has been nearly impossible.
My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years. The first year and a half was amazing. He was simply the greatest guy ever and we were very much in love. During this time, though, he moves away. Then, last October, he started doubting how he felt. So we broke up for a time. Then, after he realized he was still in love with me, we got back together and our relationship was back on track.
This is when the wedding planning began. And it was good. We were happy. Then I visited him. And he apparently decided then that I was too emotional for him to be with. So we broke up again. But still talked every day and emailed and texted and didn't date other people. Not a good breakup because I still had hopes. And he knew that.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving 2011. He and I are talking and he tells me he's still in love with me and wants to be with me. Awesome, right? So things are good. He mentions he needs help with some schoolwork (he's in school to be a teacher) so I help him out. I do 2 powerpoint presentations for him. He tells me I'm a saint and he's so in love with me for helping him and I'm just awesome. We start discussing this upcoming summer and the visiting arrangements. We decide I'll fly out to visit him for a few weeks, then we'll drive back together and he'll stay with me for a week or so. On this past Sunday, I give him his final powerpoint. He's over the moon with how awesome it is and how he knows he'll get a good grade on it and thank you so much for helping and I love you so much.
We talk again about 5 hours later. And his voice is completely different. I mention something about our relationship. He asks if that's what we're in. I reply that I thought so. He then proceeds to tell me that he's not in love with me. And I'm taken aback. Our previous conversations said something completely different. So either he's lying now or he's been lying to me before to get something... His powerpoints.
I call him out on it and he doesn't deny it. He said he still wants to be friends and I tell him no. It's not going to happen. I hang up. The next day he emails me saying we should calm down to talk rationally. I say there's nothing to talk about I'm moving on and not going to talk to him anymore because it hurts too much.
When he calls me that night, I don't answer. He keeps calling. Finally, I answer to tell him we're not going to be friends and we're not going to talk. It's over.
Obviously, I'm upset. Even though I'm the one who decided to move on and let him go, I'm upset. So I decide to go last night to a friend's house. W and I talk about things and he's very nice. He lets me cry and scream and hugs me and tells me things will be okay. And it's nice. He then offers me more than just hugs. And I take it. I don't know why. I'm lying on his roommate's bed with no sheets, in a purple and white room with the lights off having sex. And all I'm thinking about is the Twilight: Breaking Dawn movie I saw on Saturday. I feel nothing. I'm numb. When it's over, I get up, put on my jeans and my bra. I stuff one of my shirts into my purse and the other is button sluttily low. I grab my stuff and slink out the back door. I get in my car and all I can think is how it feels as if I cheated on my ex. I know I didn't. I know in my head we're not together, so what I did was perfectly justified. But I can't convince my heart.
I get home and put on my pjs. I'm empty and numb. I can't cry. I decide this will be a good time to pack up all the stuff he's given me. I turn on my favorite TV show, Gilmore Girls. I take a box and start with the pictures of us. Then the stuff I bought in Vegas with him. And the jewelry he gave me. Then he calls. And calls.
I call him back, I don't know why. He starts talking to me like it's a normal day and he didn't break my heart. I tell him I'm over it and I'm tired of everything. I tell him I am not talking to him anymore. He finally gets it, because he gets mad and says, "Okay, fine. I'm done." I say, "No. I'm done." And it's over.
I lay down on the bed and drift to sleep to the Gilmore Girls dvd (Season 4, a good season.) I wake up and turn the TV off. I turn off the lamp and go back to sleep. But sleep doesn't last long. It's a fitful night of sleep. I toss and turn, and turn and toss. I think of W and having sex. I think of my ex and how I wish he cared. I think of the daunting task of moving on. I think of having to tell people that we're no longer together. I think of how his Christmas gift is still being shipped to me so I could send it to him. I'm alone. I'm a loser. I'm a slut. I'm alone. And God, at this moment, I deserve it.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Stuff happens for a reason.
Yup, I suck at blogging. I don't even remember the last time I blogged. I should really make it a priority. It's just... not.
So, since the last time I blogged, a lot has happened. I went to visit my boyfriend in June. Things went, not so well. I don't even want to rehash the drama of the trip at this time. Suffice it to say it was not shocking to either of us that a week after I got home we broke up.
Of course, we're pretty much back together now. We still talk every day and email and whatnot. I'm still planning on moving to where he lives. But the wedding plans are officially on hold. Which is fine, I suppose. I had invested a lot of time and money into our plans, but it's okay. I'd much rather have him in my life, then not because of a wedding.
The one good thing about the trip was meeting someone who has fast become one of my best friends. Let me preface this:
When I decided to go visit my boyfriend, I made a decision. Since I work as a teacher I had the whole summer off. Spending the entire summer with him was not an option (thank God I didn't!). I've always wanted to travel across the country. (I live in VA, him in NV.) So, somehow, I got it in my head that instead of flying (which I totally SHOULD have done) I'd take the bus.
I'm young, I had the time to do it, it was cheap. So that's what I did. Overall, taking the bus across country sucked. There were three good things about it. One; the scenery. I swear, this country is beautiful. Going across the green grass of Tennessee and Arkansas and the Mississippi River was great. The flat land of Oklahoma was pretty. And the desert and rocks of the west (New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada) was breathtaking. Number two... Honestly, now that I'm thinking, I can't remember what my number two thing was. So, onto number three. I met the most amazing guy on the bus.
Most of the people on the bus were weird. But this guy, G, was great. We spent 2 days on the bus together. From Las Vegas to TN. It was great. We became facebook friends and text each other multiple times a day. It's great because I can tell him about my boy troubles and, in turn, he tells me about his boy troubles. It's awesome.
So, since the last time I blogged, a lot has happened. I went to visit my boyfriend in June. Things went, not so well. I don't even want to rehash the drama of the trip at this time. Suffice it to say it was not shocking to either of us that a week after I got home we broke up.
Of course, we're pretty much back together now. We still talk every day and email and whatnot. I'm still planning on moving to where he lives. But the wedding plans are officially on hold. Which is fine, I suppose. I had invested a lot of time and money into our plans, but it's okay. I'd much rather have him in my life, then not because of a wedding.
The one good thing about the trip was meeting someone who has fast become one of my best friends. Let me preface this:
When I decided to go visit my boyfriend, I made a decision. Since I work as a teacher I had the whole summer off. Spending the entire summer with him was not an option (thank God I didn't!). I've always wanted to travel across the country. (I live in VA, him in NV.) So, somehow, I got it in my head that instead of flying (which I totally SHOULD have done) I'd take the bus.
I'm young, I had the time to do it, it was cheap. So that's what I did. Overall, taking the bus across country sucked. There were three good things about it. One; the scenery. I swear, this country is beautiful. Going across the green grass of Tennessee and Arkansas and the Mississippi River was great. The flat land of Oklahoma was pretty. And the desert and rocks of the west (New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada) was breathtaking. Number two... Honestly, now that I'm thinking, I can't remember what my number two thing was. So, onto number three. I met the most amazing guy on the bus.
Most of the people on the bus were weird. But this guy, G, was great. We spent 2 days on the bus together. From Las Vegas to TN. It was great. We became facebook friends and text each other multiple times a day. It's great because I can tell him about my boy troubles and, in turn, he tells me about his boy troubles. It's awesome.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Sick.
Okay, people. I've been sick. Like majorly sick. Like gross, missing days and days of work sick.
So. Story. Well, a few weeks ago my tooth randomly started hurting. So I took some tylenol and started using Sensodyne toothpaste and the pain went away. I thought no more of it. Then last week, the pain came back with a vengeance. I started maxing out my tylenol every6 4 hours. So I make a dentist appointment and figure I can wait til then. Then, one night after work and baby-sitting, I got home. My tooth was hurting like hell, so I took some tylenol and an ambien sleeping pill. It was 9 PM. Three hours later, I was still awake. And still. In. Pain. So, being stupid, I took 2 tylenol PMs. Still in pain. So around 2 AM I decide I have to do something about this unbearable pain. So I go to the emergency room.
At the ER, the nurse tells me I should have come in as soon as it started hurting since tooth pain is one of the worst pains to deal with. I'm crying really hard and saying, "I agree. It sucks." She tells me to call someone to pick me up, since I'm not going to be able to drive. So I wait to see the doctor. He's super nice and tells me to call my dentist, which I'd already done. So he gives me 2 prescriptions. One for penicillin and one, hello!, for percocet. Percocet is the best stuff ever. I was definitely feeling no pain after taking that shit.
Unfortunately, percocet makes me dizzy and sleepy. So I couldn't work the next day. So I slept and chilled and slept some more. Gross.
I thought I was feeling better this past weekend and on Monday. Then, yesterday, I woke up and started getting ready for work. Then, after taking my penicillin, I felt nauseous. (Let me just take this oppurtunity to say penicillin is the nastiest smelling and tasting shit ever. It's disgusting.) Needless to say, both of the medicines had caught up with me. I spent the day sick. So another work day gone. Grrrr.
I woke up this morning feeling better. So I started getting ready and then found out we had a 2 hour delay. Sweet. I laid back down and went to sleep for another hour. I woke up and decided to straighten my hair, as I do daily. I usually straighten it while wet, but it was dry today. So I turn the straightener on and wait for it to heat up. I straighten half my hair, then put the straightener down to get ready to straighten the other half. When I go to pick it up again, I accidentally pick it up by the hot part. And I proceed to burn the hell out of my thumb and index finger. I throw the straightener down (oops) and run to the sink to put my fingers under cool water. All I have to say is thank God for first aid training. It definitely came in handy. So I've got my 2 fingers bandaged up because the blisters ain't pretty.
I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm in my 20s. This isn't supposed to happen yet! I've still got time! I'm counting down the days til my dentist appointment. It's in 6 days. Can't wait.
So. Story. Well, a few weeks ago my tooth randomly started hurting. So I took some tylenol and started using Sensodyne toothpaste and the pain went away. I thought no more of it. Then last week, the pain came back with a vengeance. I started maxing out my tylenol every
At the ER, the nurse tells me I should have come in as soon as it started hurting since tooth pain is one of the worst pains to deal with. I'm crying really hard and saying, "I agree. It sucks." She tells me to call someone to pick me up, since I'm not going to be able to drive. So I wait to see the doctor. He's super nice and tells me to call my dentist, which I'd already done. So he gives me 2 prescriptions. One for penicillin and one, hello!, for percocet. Percocet is the best stuff ever. I was definitely feeling no pain after taking that shit.
Unfortunately, percocet makes me dizzy and sleepy. So I couldn't work the next day. So I slept and chilled and slept some more. Gross.
I thought I was feeling better this past weekend and on Monday. Then, yesterday, I woke up and started getting ready for work. Then, after taking my penicillin, I felt nauseous. (Let me just take this oppurtunity to say penicillin is the nastiest smelling and tasting shit ever. It's disgusting.) Needless to say, both of the medicines had caught up with me. I spent the day sick. So another work day gone. Grrrr.
I woke up this morning feeling better. So I started getting ready and then found out we had a 2 hour delay. Sweet. I laid back down and went to sleep for another hour. I woke up and decided to straighten my hair, as I do daily. I usually straighten it while wet, but it was dry today. So I turn the straightener on and wait for it to heat up. I straighten half my hair, then put the straightener down to get ready to straighten the other half. When I go to pick it up again, I accidentally pick it up by the hot part. And I proceed to burn the hell out of my thumb and index finger. I throw the straightener down (oops) and run to the sink to put my fingers under cool water. All I have to say is thank God for first aid training. It definitely came in handy. So I've got my 2 fingers bandaged up because the blisters ain't pretty.
I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm in my 20s. This isn't supposed to happen yet! I've still got time! I'm counting down the days til my dentist appointment. It's in 6 days. Can't wait.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Wedding deets.
I mentioned last time I blogged (I suck at that, btw) that I was gonna discuss my wedding plans and such. I'm still working out some most of them, but I love talking about what I've gots going on so far.
Okay. So location- done. My insanely small town. At the gazebo, next to the river. It's pretty. Reception will be at the park next to the river. Done and done.
Wedding party- done. My bestie is going to be my matron of honor. My fiance's dad will be his best man. That's all we're having. Simple.
Dresses- so completely NOT done. I don't even want to think about wedding dresses anymore. If Old Navy made a wedding dress, I'd be super psyched. Alas, they don't and so I am screwed.
Remember, people, I'm a big girl with big girl curves. So these tiny sample wedding dresses aren't happening. I hate when I go to wedding boutiques and they give me attitude for not being a size 2. I swear I'm just going to make my own dress. Nevermind that I've never sewn before. I'm going to do it. It's a simple wedding, I just need a simple dress. Not so hard.
I did, in my attempts at trying on wedding dresses, discover that I am obsessed with veils. Long veils, short veils, catherdral length veils, I love them all. I can't wait to wear my veil on my wedding day. Now if only dress shopping was as easy as veil shoppping....
You know what else makes me sick? Well, not really sick. My bestie, who's been my bestie for 20 years, could be a freaking supermodel. You know, if they had supermodels who were 5'3. I made her try on dresses one day (after I broke down crying while dress shopping... Story later.) and they looked phenomenal on her. It's not fair! I'm the bride. I should look better. Oh well.
Ok. So story about crying while wedding dress shopping. I'm sure it's not uncommon. I didn't cry because of the dresses or anything. It was the first boutique my bestie and I went to. The first time I looked at dresses in person instead of online. And the salesladies (yes, ladies... I was so important there were 2 salesladies) were putting the pressure on me to find a dress. Just find a dress. And my friend was pressuring me to just try on a dress. And I was thinking about how big this is, getting married. And how my entire life is going to change. Not just my name, but everything. Because once we're hitched, I'm moving 3000 miles across the country to be with him. And I started crying. It sucked.
Yes, peoples. That's right. I'm planning this wedding wih my fiance 3000 miles away. So pretty much the bestie is helping me. And I'm also planning a trip to visit my fiance AND trying to start organizing things to move across the country. On top of work and all that. Luckily, there are only 28 school days left til my summer vacay. I love being a teacher and getting summers off.
I'm all over the place tonight. I'm gonna stop before I scare someone.
Okay. So location- done. My insanely small town. At the gazebo, next to the river. It's pretty. Reception will be at the park next to the river. Done and done.
Wedding party- done. My bestie is going to be my matron of honor. My fiance's dad will be his best man. That's all we're having. Simple.
Dresses- so completely NOT done. I don't even want to think about wedding dresses anymore. If Old Navy made a wedding dress, I'd be super psyched. Alas, they don't and so I am screwed.
Remember, people, I'm a big girl with big girl curves. So these tiny sample wedding dresses aren't happening. I hate when I go to wedding boutiques and they give me attitude for not being a size 2. I swear I'm just going to make my own dress. Nevermind that I've never sewn before. I'm going to do it. It's a simple wedding, I just need a simple dress. Not so hard.
I did, in my attempts at trying on wedding dresses, discover that I am obsessed with veils. Long veils, short veils, catherdral length veils, I love them all. I can't wait to wear my veil on my wedding day. Now if only dress shopping was as easy as veil shoppping....
You know what else makes me sick? Well, not really sick. My bestie, who's been my bestie for 20 years, could be a freaking supermodel. You know, if they had supermodels who were 5'3. I made her try on dresses one day (after I broke down crying while dress shopping... Story later.) and they looked phenomenal on her. It's not fair! I'm the bride. I should look better. Oh well.
Ok. So story about crying while wedding dress shopping. I'm sure it's not uncommon. I didn't cry because of the dresses or anything. It was the first boutique my bestie and I went to. The first time I looked at dresses in person instead of online. And the salesladies (yes, ladies... I was so important there were 2 salesladies) were putting the pressure on me to find a dress. Just find a dress. And my friend was pressuring me to just try on a dress. And I was thinking about how big this is, getting married. And how my entire life is going to change. Not just my name, but everything. Because once we're hitched, I'm moving 3000 miles across the country to be with him. And I started crying. It sucked.
Yes, peoples. That's right. I'm planning this wedding wih my fiance 3000 miles away. So pretty much the bestie is helping me. And I'm also planning a trip to visit my fiance AND trying to start organizing things to move across the country. On top of work and all that. Luckily, there are only 28 school days left til my summer vacay. I love being a teacher and getting summers off.
I'm all over the place tonight. I'm gonna stop before I scare someone.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Baby fever.
I've got the baby fever. And it's a pretty bad case, too. There I was, minding my own business in Target, when all of a sudden I walk by the baby stuff. And BAM! that's all I can think about. Babies and baby names and baby clothes and diapers and bottles and etc.
This is not good. First of all, I'm in the middle of planning my wedding. I don't necessarily need to be thinking about getting knocked up right now. My fiance and I have an agreement to wait til after the wedding. Unfortunately. Because, at the moment, I'd much rather have a baby than get married. It's funny how priorities can change overnight.
So many people around are getting pregnant. One of my friends is pregnant with her 4th. Color me jealous. Everytime I log onto facebook it seems like another friend is saying she's pregnant. Or that his wife/girlfriend/random chick is pregnant. And I'm happy for them, but also intensely jealous. I know what I want.
I'm glad that my fiance is supportive of this and doesn't think I'm crazy. Like I said, we have an agreement to wait to have kids. But he talks about baby names with me all the time and what the nursery will look like and everything. I'm glad he indulges me. It makes me happy. Now, if I was only knocked up, then I'd be ecstatic....
PS- Next entry will involve wedding plans and the dreaded trying on wedding dresses. :)
This is not good. First of all, I'm in the middle of planning my wedding. I don't necessarily need to be thinking about getting knocked up right now. My fiance and I have an agreement to wait til after the wedding. Unfortunately. Because, at the moment, I'd much rather have a baby than get married. It's funny how priorities can change overnight.
So many people around are getting pregnant. One of my friends is pregnant with her 4th. Color me jealous. Everytime I log onto facebook it seems like another friend is saying she's pregnant. Or that his wife/girlfriend/random chick is pregnant. And I'm happy for them, but also intensely jealous. I know what I want.
I'm glad that my fiance is supportive of this and doesn't think I'm crazy. Like I said, we have an agreement to wait to have kids. But he talks about baby names with me all the time and what the nursery will look like and everything. I'm glad he indulges me. It makes me happy. Now, if I was only knocked up, then I'd be ecstatic....
PS- Next entry will involve wedding plans and the dreaded trying on wedding dresses. :)
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Wedding plans
I'm planning my wedding. This, in itself, is a great thing. I'm completely and totally in love with my fiance. He's truly my soulmate. And I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. But wedding planning is stressful.
First of all, it's my wedding. Well, and my fiance's. But I'm pretty much planning by myself. So we (I) picked the colors red and purple for the wedding. I think they are beautiful together. (Probably seen One Tree Hill too many times.) Problem is, my mom hates those colors. She loathes them. But it's my wedding. So they stay.
Second problem, wedding dresses. I'm a big woman. And most big woman wedding dresses aren't cute. And the ones that are cost a ton of money. Our wedding won't be big. We don't want to spend a lot of money. So I'm not wanting to spend $1000 on a dress I'll wear once.
Third issue, location. At this moment, my fiance and I are living on different sides of the country. He'd like to get married on the west coast. I'd rather be married where I live. All my family and friends are here. Plus, his family lives here. So it makes sense, right? My fiance would rather just go to Vegas and get married in a chapel there, just the two of us.
Honestly, I'm not completely adverse to that option. But I'd like to come back to my state and have a reception with our friends and family. He's okay with that. But he wants to get married in Vegas, go on a honeymoon, then have the small (really, really small) gathering of family.
Another issue is family. His family is small. Just his parents, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandfather, and great-uncle. My family is huge. On just my dad's side, there's 6 aunts/uncles and 20 cousins. Plus my grandmother. And that's just my dad's side. Plus my other "family." My bff and I have been friends for 20 years. And her family has pretty much been my second family. Her mom is my other mom and her sister is like my sister. So I'd want to invite them, obviously. So that would be another 14 (at the most) people. And then people from work. Are they invited? I work with not that many people. (I work in a very small school.) It's 4 other people. And I ♥ the girls I work with. So are they invited? For me, I'd like to invited probably 60 people. Then whoever he wants to invite.
It's so many decisions. I don't know what to do. I'm sure everything will work out. At least I've got the colors, the bridal party (just my bff as matron of honor and his dad (awww!) as best man), the cake, the food (hello, people in my families that can cook!), and the bridesmaid dress picked out.
I guess I just take it one day at a time and don't get too stressed. Wedding 2012, here I come!
First of all, it's my wedding. Well, and my fiance's. But I'm pretty much planning by myself. So we (I) picked the colors red and purple for the wedding. I think they are beautiful together. (Probably seen One Tree Hill too many times.) Problem is, my mom hates those colors. She loathes them. But it's my wedding. So they stay.
Second problem, wedding dresses. I'm a big woman. And most big woman wedding dresses aren't cute. And the ones that are cost a ton of money. Our wedding won't be big. We don't want to spend a lot of money. So I'm not wanting to spend $1000 on a dress I'll wear once.
Third issue, location. At this moment, my fiance and I are living on different sides of the country. He'd like to get married on the west coast. I'd rather be married where I live. All my family and friends are here. Plus, his family lives here. So it makes sense, right? My fiance would rather just go to Vegas and get married in a chapel there, just the two of us.
Honestly, I'm not completely adverse to that option. But I'd like to come back to my state and have a reception with our friends and family. He's okay with that. But he wants to get married in Vegas, go on a honeymoon, then have the small (really, really small) gathering of family.
Another issue is family. His family is small. Just his parents, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandfather, and great-uncle. My family is huge. On just my dad's side, there's 6 aunts/uncles and 20 cousins. Plus my grandmother. And that's just my dad's side. Plus my other "family." My bff and I have been friends for 20 years. And her family has pretty much been my second family. Her mom is my other mom and her sister is like my sister. So I'd want to invite them, obviously. So that would be another 14 (at the most) people. And then people from work. Are they invited? I work with not that many people. (I work in a very small school.) It's 4 other people. And I ♥ the girls I work with. So are they invited? For me, I'd like to invited probably 60 people. Then whoever he wants to invite.
It's so many decisions. I don't know what to do. I'm sure everything will work out. At least I've got the colors, the bridal party (just my bff as matron of honor and his dad (awww!) as best man), the cake, the food (hello, people in my families that can cook!), and the bridesmaid dress picked out.
I guess I just take it one day at a time and don't get too stressed. Wedding 2012, here I come!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Creative sensations.
Omg. I love my job. I love it. I don't know what I would be doing if I couldn't work with kids. Even better, I love that I get the luxury of working with different ages; from pre-k to 7th grade. And I love that it's a smaller school.
Every month at work we have different themes. So all our art projects and activities involve whatever it is. (Ex: Medieval, Dinosaurs, Going Green, International.) Since today is February 1st, we started our new theme, Creative Sensations. So this month we're going all out with art. I love the art thing. I think it's great. I was all psyched for it. Until we started today's project.
The kids love painting. I honestly hate them using paint. They get it everywhere. I mean, it's okay to be messy. But when they wind up with paint on the floors, on the chairs, on the windows, and on the rug (really?) it's a whole different story. But today we painted. The art project was really fun and they had a great time doing it. I love when they all really get into their activities. It makes it a lot more enjoyable.
The whole thing today was called "Blotto." It's pretty much taking paint and putting it on the paper and folding the paper to make different designs. So. Much. Fun. I swear the kids made 5-10 pictures each. They're currently lying all over the floor, awaiting their time to be hung up.
Cleanup was a disaster, though. Two of us were cleaning and it took almost an hour to get all the paint up. It was worth it, though. The whole building smelled like tempera paint. It was nice. I like the smell. (SN: Cleaning paintbrushes sucks.)
So after work I had a couple of errands to run. I stopped at the grocery store and then went to the library. I noticed people were looking at me strangely. When I got home, I looked in the mirror, I saw what people were looking at. I had paint on my shirt, my pants, in my hair, and on my face. (Later, after removing my jacket, I noticed paint on my arms.) And, on top of the paint splatters, I had a gnarly looking black eye. Because I got hit in the eye with a basketball earlier in the day. Awesome.
Every month at work we have different themes. So all our art projects and activities involve whatever it is. (Ex: Medieval, Dinosaurs, Going Green, International.) Since today is February 1st, we started our new theme, Creative Sensations. So this month we're going all out with art. I love the art thing. I think it's great. I was all psyched for it. Until we started today's project.
The kids love painting. I honestly hate them using paint. They get it everywhere. I mean, it's okay to be messy. But when they wind up with paint on the floors, on the chairs, on the windows, and on the rug (really?) it's a whole different story. But today we painted. The art project was really fun and they had a great time doing it. I love when they all really get into their activities. It makes it a lot more enjoyable.
The whole thing today was called "Blotto." It's pretty much taking paint and putting it on the paper and folding the paper to make different designs. So. Much. Fun. I swear the kids made 5-10 pictures each. They're currently lying all over the floor, awaiting their time to be hung up.
Cleanup was a disaster, though. Two of us were cleaning and it took almost an hour to get all the paint up. It was worth it, though. The whole building smelled like tempera paint. It was nice. I like the smell. (SN: Cleaning paintbrushes sucks.)
So after work I had a couple of errands to run. I stopped at the grocery store and then went to the library. I noticed people were looking at me strangely. When I got home, I looked in the mirror, I saw what people were looking at. I had paint on my shirt, my pants, in my hair, and on my face. (Later, after removing my jacket, I noticed paint on my arms.) And, on top of the paint splatters, I had a gnarly looking black eye. Because I got hit in the eye with a basketball earlier in the day. Awesome.
Monday, January 31, 2011
1/31/11
This isn't my first foray into blogging. I've actually been blogging (though it wasn't called blogging yet) since 2002. My old blog is now defunct. I guess it was too much pressure to have all my friends reading what I was writing. This time I prefer to remain anonymous.
I just finished reading a book called Miss Invisible by Laura Jensen Walker tonight. It gave me the idea to start this blog. In fact, the reading group questions in the back gave me the itch to start this blog. The book was about a larger woman trying to fit in in a look-obsessed world. She struggles with her image and finding a man who loves her for who she is and not what she looks like.
I totally get that. I'm a larger woman. I don't like saying the word "fat." In fact, I hate it. The thing is, even though I am a larger woman, it doesn't bother me. I guess I'm fortunate, though. I'm young (mid 20s) and I have struggled with body image in the past. I always compared myself to my best friend, T. I mean, she was a size 3/5. How the hell was I going to compete with that? I spent many nights crying when the guy I liked decided he liked her better. It sucked.
The thing is, I'm not supposed to be a small woman. And I've accepted it. I've got big bones and curves. Is that bad? I don't think so. I'm me, stretch marks and curves and largness and all. It's just who I am. And I'm fine with that.
Luckily, I've found a man who does love me for who I am. He's helped me realize that I am beautiful. He tells me all the time that I'm cute and beautiful and (my favorite) lovely. He even tells me I'm sexy.
So, to all you chicks out there who are bigger than a size 14, I say you are beautiful.
I just finished reading a book called Miss Invisible by Laura Jensen Walker tonight. It gave me the idea to start this blog. In fact, the reading group questions in the back gave me the itch to start this blog. The book was about a larger woman trying to fit in in a look-obsessed world. She struggles with her image and finding a man who loves her for who she is and not what she looks like.
I totally get that. I'm a larger woman. I don't like saying the word "fat." In fact, I hate it. The thing is, even though I am a larger woman, it doesn't bother me. I guess I'm fortunate, though. I'm young (mid 20s) and I have struggled with body image in the past. I always compared myself to my best friend, T. I mean, she was a size 3/5. How the hell was I going to compete with that? I spent many nights crying when the guy I liked decided he liked her better. It sucked.
The thing is, I'm not supposed to be a small woman. And I've accepted it. I've got big bones and curves. Is that bad? I don't think so. I'm me, stretch marks and curves and largness and all. It's just who I am. And I'm fine with that.
Luckily, I've found a man who does love me for who I am. He's helped me realize that I am beautiful. He tells me all the time that I'm cute and beautiful and (my favorite) lovely. He even tells me I'm sexy.
So, to all you chicks out there who are bigger than a size 14, I say you are beautiful.
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